Dear Eminem

Gee golly wilikers... you really, really, really ODed. Marshall, I'm not gonna mince words. Relapse was trash. And I'm not referring to the trash you can still listen to because it's catchy. It was the type of trash that leaves a sour taste in your mouth and makes you not even like the artist anymore. However, they say diss records tend to bring the best out in rappers, and this is a prime example. Whatever sing-songy insults Mariah flinged at you are now at the whims of about 40 bars of premium Marshall Mathers lyricism. It's funny that you even joked on yourself, but simultaneously made Mariah look even worse. And lets not even remark on Nick Cannon, because in all honesty, he hasn't mattered in any light since his Nickelodeon days (and Kenan and Kel were even shitting on him then). All that aside, kudos Em. It was nice hearing you like we should have been for the past three years. Even if this squabble doesn't escalate to catastrophic proportions, your diss might still go down as one of the ugliest EVER...

Note to Nick Cannon: You've officially lost your manhood. Please turn in your balls, and any remaining testosterone or respect that Mariah, your Wild'n Out guests, Nickelodeon or the Southpole clothing company haven't already taken away from you...