The Mailing List: April 2009 (#1)

Yeah, it's cheesy. Not as bad as having a huge sunburn on Africa, though.

1. Earth Day

I've always hated environmentalists. I hated their Birkenstock-wearing, Fair Trade coffee-drinking, overzealous ruminations telling me that not putting my Ting bottle in the right recycling bin will lead to the sun falling out of the sky. For every time I put a bottle in the wrong bin, there are hundreds of people leaving their water on, burning shit for the hell of it, dumping styrofoam cups in the woods and tossing out their daily New York Times on the train tracks. With that said, Earth Day is upon us; April 22nd to be exact. While I think environmentalists (and animal activists) should all put a shotgun to their heads, I can't help but feel some type of way when my lungs have more smog in them than a Jersey Turnpike rest stop. People who say "it's nice outside" are full of shit! Global warming is fucking our whole earth up. It was 50 degrees in December and 33 degrees in April. You can't even plan for the weather anymore because it's less predictable than Kanye's sexuality. Call me pessimistic, but I'm not really hyped for a sizzling hot death because the ozone layer is bigger than Rosie O'Donnell. We need to get this shit together people. Not to say we should all start wearing hemp clothes and living on an organic farm in the middle of Idaho with a bunch of bearded men and unshaven women, but there's only one earth. Humans haven't even been around that long in Earth's lifetime and have already put it on a collision course with an early expiration. I guess what I'm trying to say is take a look around on Earth Day and see what you can do to prevent the iminent doom of our planet. Pick your shit up, turn your water and lights off for once, try to recycle and stop buying gas-guzzling Hummers when you're broke, recession-affected ass can't even afford a Pinto. Also peep the trailer for Earth, the new Disney movie that's essentially a Planet Earth rip-off in IMAX. I suppose even hippies and tree-huggers gotta get that guap.