Dear Celebrity Philanthropists

DISCLAIMER: In no way, shape or form, am I denouncing the use of music for charity... It's just jokes, and social commentary.

We Are the World is a classic. By that virtue, it might have been better off not being touched. When crisis hits in the world, most normal musical conventions go out the door in lieu of philanthropy. Artists that would never have met are cast onto the same stage. Musical genres that should never really converge on the same song are mashed together for an honorable cause. Enter the earthquake in Haiti. Everyone bruised their fingers with the amount of aid text messages, and now you guys, the stars, decided to ramp up your own initiatives.

If this was what came of all your brainstorming and studio sessions, then you guys had better pray that this song even goes Wood. From the minute I saw Jamie Foxx's introduction, where he looked like he was holding back hysterical laughter, I knew that this song was destined for hilarity. Lil' Wayne and T-Pain laced the track with auto-tune while LL Cool J and Will.i.am belted out some of the most generic, underwhelming raps about hope and Haitian prosperity I've ever heard. You guys even had 10 seconds of Michael Jackson superimposed next to Janet (I wonder if Universal is going to sue for that).I mean seriously guys, if you're going to do charity songs, you should make sure the song sounds good. Everyone in that room, for the most part, was tone-deaf, making the actual singers in the ensemble sounds just as bad. It was like you guys pressed to find something to do, and at the last minute someone said, "Hey! Maybe we should remake 'We Are the World!'"

Good idea, but bad execution, guys. It's one thing to bring celebrities together for a good cause. It's something completely different to invite everyone in your BBM and ask Lionel Richie and Quincy Jones to make singers out of them. Like I said before, I can't balk at your attempt, because no charity should go unheralded. Why ruin a classic though? I'd rather remember it...