Dear Akon

Wow. Wow is all I can say, Akon. First of all, what happened to your music?? I suppose people got tired of your non-singing behind half-singing and rapping. Then again, when you profess to be a Konvict (the spelling should have tipped us off that your story was a farce), the time lapse of your spotlight is much faster than most, especially when your entire story is a fabrication. That said, I find it hard to believe that you still have a following. At this point that's neither here nor there, though. Akon, what in God's name is this abomination that you call a cologne?? Do you really think any man with half an ounce of dignity in his closet is going to be rocking this? I hope not.

I mean, the cologne is called Konvict, and the bottle is shaped like some handcuffs. Unless you're target market is prisoners who want to smell like jail rape, I don't think the cologne is going to sell all that well. In fact, I'd be pressed to find anyone who would cop this either for self, or for a man in their life. Buying this for someone is essentially telling them where you think they should be: in handcuffs. ironically, I think it is you who should be cuffed for trying to peddle this feeble, probably generic-scented fragrance. Then again, there are definitely a gang/gaggle of Akon stans (never met one, but I'm sure they're out there) who will be lining up to waste their $60 on 3.4 ounces of Akon-Must...

PS: I hope you're not still messing with underage women. Doing things like this will have you smelling like a Konvict for real: