Dear Donald Trump

If 'the Man' were a real person, I'd imagine his physical make-up to be something like this:

- white, Anglo-Saxon male
- the brain of Sarah Palin
- the enraptured soul of Ronald Reagan
- the torso of Ed Wuncler (word to Aaron McGruder)
- the physical fortitude of a newborn kitten
- the voice of Glenn Beck

... and last, but not least, the hair of none other than you, Donald Mothaf*ckin Trump. Your comb-overed idiocy never really registered on my Richter Scale, simply because you were too much of a big wig, fat-walleted blowhole to really matter. Your forays into real estate (yes, they did some wonders for the NYC skyline) have turned your already inflated ego into a gargantuan facade, much like those said buildings. Hell, even your show is an overstated testament to how important you believe yourself to be. Now that it's 2011, and the 2012 Presidential Election race has had its unofficial start, the talk of your impending run as a GOP candidate has me scratching my head, and wondering 'Are we really taking this guy seriously?'

Take your announcement for your campaign, and subsequent latching on to the 'Birther' movement. You claim that Obama wasn't born in this country and that his whereabouts are beyond questionable. You constantly allude to a missing birth certificate, as if it hasn't been proven repeatedly that President Obama was indeed born in Hawaii, citing the lack of a 'birth certificate'. Newsflash, Trump. In Hawaii, the document is called a 'Certificate of Live Birth' and is the equivalent of what you would call a birth certificate (the whole discrepancy is reminiscent of every state's little legislative differences, that your party seeks to protect, so why the contradiction?).

Next, you attack Obama's academic record, saying that his status as a Harvard and Columbia grad is a farce, and that his Ivy League matriculation was 'undeserved'. Look at you, Trump! Your dad was a real estate tycoon, and you most likely got into UPenn based off his connections than anything. How can you try to discredit another man's rise in academics, when you got around on your daddy's name? How can you try and mudsling on another man's merit, when you've proven through your own grandiose lifestyle that you have little to merit yourself? I'll tell you why... It's because you have little if any platform to run on, and are essentially running on a 'F*ck Obama' campaign.

Where are YOUR political credentials? Where do YOU stand on the issues? So far, everything that's come out of your mouth is a hair away from slanderous and has little if anything to do with improving the nation or its economy. It's like you have nothing to add to the discussion so you're going to fling mud at everyone else in some vain attempt to hide your own lack of expertise or political savvy. It's sickening, Trump. Do you have ANYTHING to add to the conversation other than slander? Then you've got numbskulls like Sarah Palin giving you pats on the back? Come on, son... If Sarah Palin is endorsing you, then there's something terribly wrong with what you're saying.

You stand for everything bad about the GOP: distortion of fact, lack of discernable political intelligence, and an overall hubris that will eventually be you and your party's demise. Never mind the fact that the GOP has no candidates worth the pieces of paper they're balloted on. Never mind the fact that you'd be the 2nd GOP candidate to have a reality TV show. You're just out of line. Why don't you just flip that combover over to reveal the vacuous abyss that is your mind, and let the American people see just what you're made out of: money and nothing more. Then again, so are most of the GOP hopefuls. Why don't we just chalk your idiotic campaign up to the GOP's impending implosion (#shoutout to the Tea Party), and have you go back to hawking real estate. I don't mind you working in NYC, but the White House, you need to stay out of, for all our sakes...

PS: According to CNN, Obama was 'absolutely' born in Hawaii. What the hell are you going to run your campaign on now, Trump?

Dear Jae Millz

Okay Jae.. Why does this not surprise me? Wayne goes to jail, Drake & Nicki are gaining some steam, and you're feeling left out of the lineup? I guess you could be mad about that, but where was all of this animosity when you should have been blowing up?? I was rocking to "Who" and "No, No, No" in 2003, when you were solo. You had "Bring it Back" and never capitalized on it. Now you're with Young Money playing the bench and want to weigh in on who you think XXL should've picked? Ehhhh, you're wrong for that one, especially for calling them nobodies. Who are you? 500,000 copies of a free mixtape doesn't mean you're a hip-hop heavyweight, especially when you've got Bow Wow on the same label claiming 1 million downloads (false). I'll give you that Vado is nice, and probably should've gotten considered for this year's Freshman list (he didn't really even get on until 'Boss of all Bosses'). Even so, XXL had to cater to the blog crowd, and you should know that, surfing the blogs as much as you claim to. Jae, trust me, 10 years of inconsistent rapping isn't the green light for you to run your mouth...

Nipsey Hussle agrees...

Dear KFC

Look, I'm black, and I enjoy chicken. There's no correlation between the two, but I figured that statement needed to be made before I make this statement:

YOU GUYS HAVE LOST YOUR FINGER-LICKING MIND!!

First there were boneless wings, then there were boneless ribs, and now, a boneless filet? Let me look up the dictionary definition of filet. A filet is "a boneless cut or slice of meat or fish, esp. the beef tenderloin" or "a piece of veal or other meat boned, rolled, and tied for roasting" (Dictionary.com). What should that mean to you guys? That should mean that what you're serving in a cup and selling for $3.99 is essentially a big ass piece of chicken breast! The last time I checked, isn't that half of your menu in the first place? I suppose when you've been serving plain old original recipe chicken for the past 70 years, you look for a new item to shake up the menu (and the shareholder's pockets). This, though, is just plain old UNORIGINAL, and slightly stupid. Anyone who's eaten KFC will (hopefully) see through this and save themselves the disappointment and stomach ailments from eating a huge piece of processed, hydrogenated, trans-fatty, preservative-laced death, that you guys call your 'Boneless Filet'. Make no bones about it. This item should be off the menu by the end of the month. If not, you guys are doing a really good job advertising, and America is doing a terrible job of reading...

Dear Akon

Wow. Wow is all I can say, Akon. First of all, what happened to your music?? I suppose people got tired of your non-singing behind half-singing and rapping. Then again, when you profess to be a Konvict (the spelling should have tipped us off that your story was a farce), the time lapse of your spotlight is much faster than most, especially when your entire story is a fabrication. That said, I find it hard to believe that you still have a following. At this point that's neither here nor there, though. Akon, what in God's name is this abomination that you call a cologne?? Do you really think any man with half an ounce of dignity in his closet is going to be rocking this? I hope not.

I mean, the cologne is called Konvict, and the bottle is shaped like some handcuffs. Unless you're target market is prisoners who want to smell like jail rape, I don't think the cologne is going to sell all that well. In fact, I'd be pressed to find anyone who would cop this either for self, or for a man in their life. Buying this for someone is essentially telling them where you think they should be: in handcuffs. ironically, I think it is you who should be cuffed for trying to peddle this feeble, probably generic-scented fragrance. Then again, there are definitely a gang/gaggle of Akon stans (never met one, but I'm sure they're out there) who will be lining up to waste their $60 on 3.4 ounces of Akon-Must...

PS: I hope you're not still messing with underage women. Doing things like this will have you smelling like a Konvict for real:

Dear Chris Brown

A lot of people read my Rihanna letter and got the idea that I'm somehow a proponent of domestic violence (even though I stated my disdain for it numerous times). This time, it's Chris' turn to hear somethings about himself...


Larry King was not a fluke, Chris' vocabulary is elementary at best...

Chris, Chris, Chris. It was really really hard trying to show the world the other side of your story once Rihanna started singing like the bird she is (there's my one and only shot). That said, I think you took the high road by trying to keep the situation between the two of you. You've taken steps to remedy your affinity for violence, tried to clear your name as best you could, and have started making music again. Now begins the hard part. When you took to Twitter to start airing out your grievances about the ills of pushing an album as a felon, you pretty much showed everyone that this had REALLY gotten to you. I can't help but think what you're going through sucks, but therein lies the problem.

Chris, you laid your hands on a woman. And hurt her, badly. Truth be told, you could probably be in jail right now. Thanks to the celebrity card, you got of with a slap on the wrists. After that, you will not have ANYTHING handed to you. The music stores are well within their rights to bar your album from selling, and there is really nothing you can do about it. Being painted with a domestic violence charge as a musician is like wearing a scarlett letter in the colonial U.S. NOBODY IS ON YOUR SIDE, CHRIS. Or at least no one that wasn't there before. The industry doesn't owe you anything (especially not right now), and you know this. Ranting on Twitter never helped anyone, and sure as hell isn't going to help you either, so I suppose it's good you deleted it.

What you need to do is keep grinding (I'm starting to hate that term; everyone uses it when they really aren't doing anything). Get on the road and tour your Michael Jackson-impersonating behind off. Stop referencing Rihanna, stop answering questions about it and get to work. This whole situation is old, Chris. 'Do it like Kobe' should be your motto for 2010. Hell, you could Twitter that...

Dear Beyonce

Yesterday, or the day before (my days have been melding together as of late) I had a conversation with a younger female cousin. I asked her who she looks up to as a girl. And before she said Michelle Obama or someone with a veritable impact on humanity, she dropped your name, Ms. Knowles. Now, I'm nowhere near entrenched in a lifestyle that would include you as a regularly-scheduled spot on my iTunes playlist or in my thinking, but I suppose I can see your appeal. Young black girls see a woman who is in charge of her money, her legacy and her sexuality and are attracted to that. They hear catchy tunes and nice beats and automatically want to be like Beyonce, much in the same way that a young me idolized Michael Jordan.

That said, Bey, what's with your videos and your whole image as of late? If Jay is becoming a watered-down version of his former self, then you've become the sexed-up, shallow, soul-less, OVEREXPOSED counterpart that the man needs. They say sex sells, but at this point, what more do you have to offer? If you ask anyone (who isn't a die-hard Beyonce stan) what you stand for or where you stand on any pressing issue, I'm sure you'll draw more blanks than asking what how many amendments there have been or what America's capital was before D.C. In what UNIVERSE is that cool? Beyonce, to me, you've become a vapid shell of what black girls should look up to. I feel like you've taken any sort of positive ideology that could be derived from your likeness, and shrouded it in partial-nudity and catchy, pointless tunes. Where's the balance? Not saying you have to be all dreadlocked-out, using chew sticks and lobbying for environmental aid in Kosovo, but you seem empty. Yeah, we know, you do charity work. But in this day and age, as a celebrity (especially on such a global scale), you have a responsibility to go above and beyond the call of moral and intrinsic duty. Beyonce, you're a role model. Stop allowing Hollywood to Photoshop out your soul...

Dear Rappers

The irony is priceless here...

via Reuters:

Rapper Gucci Mane has been sentenced to 12 months in jail for probation violation.

The sentence was handed down Thursday (November 12), according to the performer's lawyer.

Mane pled guilty to assault in 2005 for attacking a nightclub promoter. Last September, he was sentenced to a year in jail for failing to fulfill his court-ordered 600 hours of community service. He was incarcerated until March.

To me, this letter shouldn't have to be written. But the past few years in terms of high-profile incarcerations have been unbelievable. It's like the early 2000's when shootings and getting shot were the cool thing to do. Prison automatically gives you credibility and pretty much assures you that about 200 hood folk will be printing your name and picture on a t-shirt saying 'FREE (insert rapper here)'.

That being said, why is that a good thing? Let's say for all intents and purposes, that as a rapper living a 'gangster' or 'hood' (sounds weird typing it, doesn't it?) lifestyle adds to your appeal. Wouldn't you want to be a good rapper, and NOT go to jail? I mean, rappers, for God's sake, some of you guys are going to prison for the dumbest reasons. If it isn't Wayne tossing a Gucci bag with a gun in it off his tour bus, then it's Remy Ma beating some chick up at a club. If it's not Prodigy, it's Mystikal. If it's not T.I., it's Gucci Mane or Tony Yayo or City Spud or B.G. Seriously, rappers, get your business together. What kind of message does this send about hip-hop? That we're a genre full of jail birds? (dumb rapper voice) Oh it's okay to go to jail if you're a rapper. You can just cut a deal, do community service and release music right after I get out (/dumb rapper voice). There's so much wrong with that mode of thinking, yet we subscribe to it when we buy your albums and wear 'Free Yayo' t-shirts.

Newsflash. Jail isn't cool!! Neither is what comes with it. We were all fooled when we saw Gucci Mane in this PSA. He's learning a valuable lesson now though: parole is no joke, especially when you rap about openly selling drugs...

Dear Marcus Jordan

via USA Today:

The University of Central Florida has lost its $3 million exclusive contract with adidas after basketball player Marcus Jordan's insisted on wearing his father, Michael's, Nike Air Jordans for the school's opening basketball game, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

While the rest of the team wore their adidas shoes with black trademark stripes, Marcus Jordan laced up his pair of white Air Jordans Wednesday night, although he did add a pair of black ankle braces with the adidas logo prominent displayed.

Marcus, 18-year-old son of the NBA legend, says UCF had promised when recruiting him to the school that he could wear the famous Jordan brand.

People always want to say that nepotism is dead. But look at all of the dummies we have walking around, that only got on because their parents, uncles, cousins or siblings were famous for something. Sometimes that turns out well, like with Ken Griffey, Jr. But sometimes (more often than not), the relative taints the family's name like or fails to live up to their relative's legacy. Now in your case Marcus, you haven't had long enough of a career to warrant any sort of ill comparison to your father. Nor have you really (aside from having the DOPEST Jordan collection ever) gotten any favoritism because of who your father is. But at the same time, you're sure as hell reaping the benefits of it.

You mean to tell me that you're THAT attached to the sneakers of your namesake? You couldn't just rock adidas for games and save your university $3 million? Now, in your defense, adidas is probably making too big a deal about the whole situation. But to tell you the truth, why should you even contest it so hard? Yes, negro, we know you're Michael Jordan's son and you're playing college basketball (UCF is nowhere near UNC's level) and you feel entitled to wear your namesake on your feet. Grow up and stop trying to show off. You're a looooooong way from the NBA, much less the top of the NCAA, so at this point, you should probably be worrying more about your game than what sneakers you have on...

At least you got a few of your dad's genes...