Dear Unbearable Heat

via CNN:

Temperatures in metropolitan areas along the eastern seaboard were in the high 90s late Tuesday morning, and a hot air mass that settled into the region Sunday promises hotter and more humid weather. The National Weather Service issued a heat alert for areas along the so-called "megalopolis region" -- Boston, Massachusetts; New York, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; and Washington, as well as all of Delaware and New Jersey -- areas that had already awoken to unusually high morning temperatures Tuesday. The weather service also issued an additional "excessive heat warning" to be in effect until 8 p.m. Wednesday for Philadelphia, Trenton, New Jersey, and parts of Delaware. National Weather Service officials are advising people to stay indoors as the prolonged heat and humidity creates a "dangerous situation."

As I write this, I'm sitting in an air conditioned room, looking outside at scorched grass and sweating landscapers across the street. I can only say this to you, heat: GO AWAY!! Although we hate the winter and it's bitter cold, we can't stand you! We can't stand the way you make every stench that stinkier, the way you make every step walked that much harder and every moment in the sun that much more exhausting. For those households not fortunate enough to have an air conditioner (ie: my apartment in Philly), you're torturous. Heat, you make people not want to move. You make kids cry and make commuters miserable. As a matter of fact, the only positive that you bring to the table is a boost to ice cream sales and public pool admissions. Other than that, you've brought nothing but sweat and fatigue to the East coast. I wish someone would just turn the sun down and turn the breeze up so that I could go outside without feeling like Satan himself is breathing directly over me. Maybe it's best that there is such heat because it makes us appreciate the winter that much more, but I can't help but think that the ridiculous state of our environment birthed you, heat. You weren't that unbearable when I was younger. In fact, I welcomed you. The sad part is, parts of the country that would have never experienced this weather are doing just that. Next thing you know, you'll be all the way up at the North Pole and we'll be in Waterworld. No one can tell me that global warming doesn't exist. Upon taking one step outside and feeling your haze, it's obvious there's more to you than we think. That said, my behind isn't trying to find out anytime soon. I will stay in this air-conditioned room as long as those CFC's and wasteful electrons keep me from you...