Dear Oprah

There's something about certain entrepreneurs that makes me smile, but at the same time makes me want to hurl. They're so enthralling because at times, they can show us exactly why we're (we as in non-millionaires) exactly how to get to a similar position: cutthroat business strategies, schmoozing with the right people and almost shameless promotion. The same thing that enthralls us, however, is the same thing that gives rise to ridiculous ego-stroking, a sad vanity complex and a holier-than-thou spin on everything. Such is your plight, oh great Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Yes, I enjoy the fact that now all the brainwashed adoring fans of Sofia can get 24 hours of all Oprah, all the time, but does the world really need that?

Oprah, there's no doubt in my mind that your network will be a day-long ode to new-age self improvement fads, Dr. Phil philosophy ideologies and makeovers. Most troubling about the idea of you having your own network is how excruciatingly preachy it will be. The thing I dislike about you, Oprah, isn't that you try to help people and be a modern-day guru. I could care less about that. The fact still remains that a heft amount of what you preach, you couldn't know less about. How a person sit there for hours and listen to you talk about parenting, when the only kids you have are your 'daughters' in South Africa? How can anyone take your advice on relationships and marriage, when you've been living with a business partner posing as a romantic partner? Even Dr. Phil... There's something problematic when people flock to a person's teachings simply because you say that person is a consummate professional. That's like trusting the mystery meat in the cafeteria, just because the lunch people are serving it.

Your network is going to be so predictable, too. I can just picture constant re-runs of your syndicated show, along with Lifetime-quality, man-bashing movies, and shows starring Rosie O'Donnell and Wynona Rider all aimed at stay-at-home moms, self-hating men, and people too brainwashed caught up by your genius influence to change the channel. Your network doesn't look like it's going to be pushing any boundaries or giving the viewer anything ground-breaking. It looks safe, just like any segments you've done with people you used to revile (see: Ludacris and Jay-Z). Rather than do something new with your network, you're further diluting your image in my mind, from someone with a voice that matters to someone with just a voice. Kudos to you for being the first black woman to run a television network, Oprah, but I pray no one calls their cable provider to get OWN. It'll be a $12 addition to their bill they might as well have saved, though it would've probably gone to your 'book club' at the end of the day...

The World's Shortest Political Quiz

I'm a Liberal!!

The World's Shortest Political Quiz

In these trying times, it's not enough to go off hearsay and political propaganda to know where you stand on the important issues plaguing our nation. That said, everyone should know exactly where they stand in the political spectrum. There's no excuse not to have a firm grasp on your political leanings (Knowledge of Self, bitches). That's why things like 'The World's Shortest Political Quiz' are so important. By answering 10 questions, you can know whether you're Liberal, Conservative, Libertarian, Statist or Apathetic (thanks for adding to the confusion, Facebook). Regardless of where you stand, make sure you're abreast of your own leanings. Check out my score and take the quiz for yourself...