*sigh* I didn't ever want to write this letter. After 'Ordinary Love Sh*t: Part 2' I thought your knack for wifing up buxom beauties with more stars in their hearts than love was gone. Lo and behold, I woke up this morning to a profanity-laced back-and-forth between you and your estranged video model girlfriend Esther Baxter. Something about her cheating on you with while she was pregnant... Not more than a few minutes after that, 'Ordinary Love Sh*t: Part 3' started surfacing around the Interwebs, and I knew something was up.
SIDENOTE: Rappers, don't start jumping on the OFWGKTA bandwagon, using their instrumentals, just because the rest of the world is feeling them.
and the listener hears you at your finest: mad. You wax prophetic about past tiffs with Tahiry and how you said you would never doubt your gut feeling again when it came to women. From calling out Derrick Ward for the affair, 2nd and 3rd pregnancies, kids being involved, it was like an episode of Maury that had taken the drug known as Charlie Sheen. The song itself was piff (see last paragraph), yet there is something wrong with letting your laundry fly all over the place, especially when it's the same brand of drawers. #seewhatididthere
My beef, or rather my issue, is this Joey: why do you keep wifing hoes, and expecting less than hoe behavior? As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. In Tahiry's case, I suppose you got a pass, because no one knew who that broad was before she became your arm candy. In Esther's case, we've known about her for years! I was a sophomore in high school when I first remember drooling to Esther's bodacious curves in Petey Pablo's 'Freek-a-Leek' video. It's like Denny Green's famous tirade: (Esther is) who we thought (she was)!! You of all should know that, man. You've been a rapper long enough to know when a woman has little if any intention of being good to you.
That said, Joey, while this type of drama is very unsightly for your public image and overall fandom, as a hip-hop fan, I love it! This is what music is supposed to be about! Raw emotion! Unreserved honesty! No qualms! Forget about who's listening! Just say it! Don't let people ever doubt where your head and heart are at. That's when you turn into B.o.B. and start shooting out undirected diss tracks. One of your strengths as an artist is that you tell it how it is; the hairy, ugly, morbidly obese, clap-infested truth! That you had to endure another public break-up is sad, yes. No one really wants to put their ex on blast... Well, maybe you take solace in that. I suppose we can lament another one of your failed relationships while we laugh at the pure hilarity that is your interview on the Breakfast Club, who seemed just as in awe of your revelations as the rest of the world was...
It's a new year, but the same problems we faced in 2010 are the same ones that'll rear their ugly heads in new and innovative ways. One such issue is that of relationship woes. Relationships are easy to get into, but hard to deal with and much harder to sustain when people don't see eye-to-eye. Even worse is when one partner switches up their standards or backslides into a dangerous romantic state, leaving the other confused and in a one-sided relationship.
That said, I think this year needs to be one of well-defined, yet achievable standards. My future girlfriend, it's time for you to get acquainted to what I want. Often, in this highly matrifocal society, women are afforded the driver's seat in relationships. In my circles, far too many times has the onus been on the man to be patient, accommodating, caring, and understanding, without receiving the same in return, or receiving it half-assedly. It's time to let my needs be known. Future girlfriend, here are my list of (non-sexual) demandsrequests hopes for you and us:
- You don't have to be interested in the same things as me, but being able to converse on a number of different levels is imperative. Whether it's about rhesus monkeys overtaking the Congolese population, why Sarah Palin needs a muzzle, or whether Julian Assange is a bastion of free speech or a terrorist, have something to talk about other than yourself. If you're good-looking sans personality, it's about as attractive as Hannibal Lecter's plastic surgery patients.
- We need to be honest with one another, not in the sense that we should trade journals and have three-a-day 'honesty' hours. I mean more so in the sense that if something is amiss, you bring it to my attention, rather than waiting for me to ask you.
- Comfort me when I'm down, and I'll do the same. Make me smile and I promise I'll give you a reason to smile every day. Do the opposite, and the romantic pot you piss in will be yanked from right under you. Point. Blank. Period. Relationships are about reciprocation, in feelings and ideology.
- Everyone has emotional baggage. That's just the way romance works. The point of getting into a new relationship is to alleviate the wrongs that your previous partner did and leave the baggage behind, all while making newer, happy memories. If your baggage is too much for you to handle, you should trust me as your significant other to fix what he did.
- Speaking of exes, if you have a recent ex, please please please please, either cut him off or establish your own boundary for acceptable contact. Your ex is your ex for a reason. If he's still in your life (and you still visualize the two of you together), that leaves the door open for a gang of misunderstandings and arguments for us. I wouldn't say I'm the jealous type, but my Spider senses tingle when I see you keeping him around.
- I don't care about your monetary, employment or educational status as long as you're constantly and gainfully working toward something. I know I can get into ruts of slacker-dom, as do many of my peers. At the same time, there's no excuse to be completely stagnant. Have a plan or an idea or... SOMETHING!
- Infidelity is punishable by getting cut off completely. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You want to get all 60's on me and experience 'free love'? Get on Craigslist's casual encounters and leave me out of your menagerie of sexual exploits. At this age, monogamy is the name of the game. Two players, and we all win... Any more than that is a crowd and a headache.
- Last, but not least, if it doesn't feel right, let's take a step back. We shouldn't invest in something we're not sure about. There's nothing more backwards than jumping headfirst without surveying the landing, though I'm guilty of it as much as the next. Moderation at the beginning is a virtue. If we're not on the same page, let's hold our heads until the dust settles.
To all you budding feminists reading this saying 'Who does he think he is?' and 'No woman is there to be your personal footstool!', consider this: If you were to begin a relationship and a man were to eschew any of these edicts, would you still want to be with him? Better yet, if a man were to do all these and more, would there be any issue? This letter isn't a list of exhaustive demands I have for you, future girlfriend. The list is simply retorts to problems I've faced in relationships and hopefully a viewing window into what I think should be tenets of a healthy relationship. Misunderstandings are natural in romance; that goes without saying. Yet, the little amount and discordant manner of dialogue between the sexes illustrates how little we're willing to understand one another. So, to my future girlfriend, let's build on a foundation of understanding, not hot air and sparks. It'll be well worth the effort on both sides.
When one's friendship stops taking precedence in lieu of business, other relationships or simple personal preference, maybe it's time to take a step back and realize what caused the friendship to hit the rocks in the first place. That's when what used to be the best of friends can turn not into enemies, but strangers. They know and love one another, but won't talk for fear of alienating one another even further. They'd rather split amicably than risk destroying the friendship. Phonte and 9th Wonder, it's a blessing in disguise that you guys were able to thrive alone for a while before reconciling.
Both of you had some growing to do, obviously, before you could come to this point. I'm not sure about the personal growth that you underwent, but professionally you both have carved out nice little niches for yourself. 9th, you've become one of the most heralded producers of the past decade, and Phonte, you've been as consistent an MC as we've seen in the game. I love that you both were quick to denounce any rumors of new Little Brother work, because your friendship rekindling doesn't mean you're automatically going to click musically. In fact, I wouldn't expect you guys to work on anything at all. While it's excruciating as a music fan, as an overall admirer of healthy friendships, it's heartwarming. Your reconciliation is oddly inspiring me to reach out to some old friends. You said it best, Phonte... Maybe 2 plates of food and a long conversation is all people need to resolve their differences.
There's something about certain entrepreneurs that makes me smile, but at the same time makes me want to hurl. They're so enthralling because at times, they can show us exactly why we're (we as in non-millionaires) exactly how to get to a similar position: cutthroat business strategies, schmoozing with the right people and almost shameless promotion. The same thing that enthralls us, however, is the same thing that gives rise to ridiculous ego-stroking, a sad vanity complex and a holier-than-thou spin on everything. Such is your plight, oh great Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Yes, I enjoy the fact that now all the brainwashed adoring fans of Sofia can get 24 hours of all Oprah, all the time, but does the world really need that?
Oprah, there's no doubt in my mind that your network will be a day-long ode to new-age self improvement fads, Dr. Phil philosophy ideologies and makeovers. Most troubling about the idea of you having your own network is how excruciatingly preachy it will be. The thing I dislike about you, Oprah, isn't that you try to help people and be a modern-day guru. I could care less about that. The fact still remains that a heft amount of what you preach, you couldn't know less about. How a person sit there for hours and listen to you talk about parenting, when the only kids you have are your 'daughters' in South Africa? How can anyone take your advice on relationships and marriage, when you've been living with a business partner posing as a romantic partner? Even Dr. Phil... There's something problematic when people flock to a person's teachings simply because you say that person is a consummate professional. That's like trusting the mystery meat in the cafeteria, just because the lunch people are serving it.
Your network is going to be so predictable, too. I can just picture constant re-runs of your syndicated show, along with Lifetime-quality, man-bashing movies, and shows starring Rosie O'Donnell and Wynona Rider all aimed at stay-at-home moms, self-hating men, and people too brainwashed caught up by your genius influence to change the channel. Your network doesn't look like it's going to be pushing any boundaries or giving the viewer anything ground-breaking. It looks safe, just like any segments you've done with people you used to revile (see: Ludacris and Jay-Z). Rather than do something new with your network, you're further diluting your image in my mind, from someone with a voice that matters to someone with just a voice. Kudos to you for being the first black woman to run a television network, Oprah, but I pray no one calls their cable provider to get OWN. It'll be a $12 addition to their bill they might as well have saved, though it would've probably gone to your 'book club' at the end of the day...
Despite what feminists might argue, real men don’t wear skinny jeans. Real men also don’t wear V-neck tees, or accessorized scarves, and they avoid purple and pink like the plague. The mere idea of a pedicure or waxing makes a real man nauseous. If a woman hangs out with this kind of girly-man routinely, it’s only because she wants to share his wardrobe and his non-fat caramel macchiato. A woman can’t imagine a man reloading his double barrel shotgun or chopping wood when he’s donned in Donna Karan and drinking an Appletini. Men were meant to wear rugged Wranglers, leather jackets and boots, like they belong in a James Dean movie and not an episode of “Will & Grace.”
When did men in America go from being masculine steak-eating, plaid shirt wearing, Old Spice smelling, cigar smoking cowboys who like football, hunting, and Clint Eastwood movies to skinny jean wearing, satchel carrying, pierced ear metrosexuals who like chick flicks, “The View,” and Bath & Bodyworks? The American man is an endangered species due in large part to the over-feminization of society. Not surprisingly, the arrow of blame points towards the feminists who have transformed our schools into gender neutral zones of indoctrination. Early on, boys’ innate masculinity is suppressed by banning competitive, rough games like dodge ball and tag on the playground, having co-ed teams, not keeping score in soccer games, and rewarding passive, demure behavior.
Boys learn to subdue their more spirited, intrepid behavior in elementary and middle school, their male instincts of competition and individualism quashed in the interest of what’s best for girls as they walk like lemmings over the edge of the radical feminist cliff by the time they reach high school. Because of the feminist movement, boys aren’t allowed to be boys - society has fenced them in, corralled their adventurous enthusiasm in the name of sexual equality. The end product is pantywaist pushovers who will cry during “Steel Magnolias” and urinate sitting down. This is bad news for America, who will eventually have to reap what the feminists have sown, which will be a paucity of male leaders, entrepreneurs, scientists and heroes.
DISCLAIMER: Please do NOT take this letter regarding the wild ruminations of some wacko beat writer as my disdain for women altogether. At the same time, realize that not all of this applies to any one person, group or gender. As a society, we don't really treat the opposite sex as equally as we should, on both sides of the picture. What ends up happening is that people have to assume roles within their sex in order to feel secure in their sex, which leads to many of the misconceptions and misunderstandings between males and females. This letter is about women who feel the need to tell a man to 'man up', forgetting that they don't even know what it feels like to be a man...
One of the things I see a lot of, especially during trending topic hailstorms, is people airing out their grievances against the opposite sex. People gripe about every possible relationship problem they could ever have, and make known their ideas about what their relationships entail. The one that bothers me the most though, is the argument that men should 'man up'. Man up? What does that even mean in a literal sense? Absolutely nothing. When women say it to men condescendingly, such as the writer above, I have to ask you, do men tell you to 'woman up'? Throughout history, the plight of feminism was to gain equal standing for women and loosen their traditional role in society. Today, though there are many pitfalls to this goal of equality, huge strides have been taken by women. That said, what happens when the roles of men are generalized by women? We can't really speak out on that, can we?
I mean, when is the last time you've seen a "men's support group", helping men feel more secure about themselves or less constricted by gender roles? I can't think of any time. The truth is, masculinity is one of the most rigid structures in society. There's no room for movement. If a man doesn't fit that traditional role of a 'man's man', chopping wood, playing football, eating steaks and breaking women's hearts, he gets labeled as a p*ssy or a b*tch or whatever derogatory term is the letter of the day. But that's not the point of this post. Women telling a man to 'man up' is sooooo much worse than a man doing it. After reading Ms. Givalry's post, I have to ask you emasculating women, have you ever been a man? Do you know what it physically (never mind emotionally) means to be a man? How can a woman try to put a stereotypical gender role on a man, when she's trying to break free of one?
See, I don't get the 'men can't show emotion' and 'men can't be interested in their appearance' arguments. First of all, show me any woman who would go out with a man who didn't look relatively put together? I'm not saying he has to be fresh out of a spread in GQ, but ladies, could you see yourself dating the spawn of Oscar the Grouch and the kid from the Peanuts with the cloud of dust around him? Second of all, why is the spectrum of emotions for men limited to anger, happiness and sexual desire? Can a ninja be sad or upset for once?? For a man to open himself up to you, and be willing to share his feelings beyond those rudimentary ones is a big step for most of our kind. Downplaying it as him not being 'man enough' is about as small-minded as it can get. It's as if you get all of your ideologies about men from watching 'The Expendables' (great movie, by the way). How can YOU as a woman toss ME as a man toss me your copy of 'The Man Laws' and expect me to take you seriously? In today's world gender roles should be able to bend both ways, not just in women's favor. It stands as a testament to feminism, in a universal sense, where no one is restricted to what society deems worthy of manly or womanly. I guess my point is this ladies: If you want to sit around and talk about how men should 'man up', then you can never be upset when a man questions your feminine charms. You'd be erasing all that false power you'd built up in your head under the guise of feminism, and probably not feeling too pretty afterwards. Support the men in your life as they are, not as you think they should be...
How many guys can honestly admit to nodding their head to a 'track for the ladies'? *looks at watch* Not too many of the XY crowd have the emotional capacity to say what they're feeling to the women in their life, sans mothers. Men, for some reason (and especially in rap), tend to make love songs without a lot of romance in them. None of the sweet nothings, minute observations, or rosy perspectives tend to show up on a track like 'Thuggin Love' or 'Come With Me, Hoe'. That's why I'm proud to see the homie Joshua Bennett rocking out on a track dedicated to the beautiful ladies out there, featuring songstress AmJay. While all of us might not be blessed to have one in our lives, those fellows that do should appreciate the track too. From what I've heard so far Mr. Bennett's upcoming mixtape is heat rocks covered in dope sauce. Make sure to keep it locked to Dear Whoever for more previews...
The way Black people think in general is messed up. Both men and women need to change their way of thinking. It’s hard to trust a Black woman [sometimes] because a lot of Black women’s mind frame is that the man gotta do everything for her⎯ he gotta pay for this, he gotta pay for that, and if it ain’t about money then a lot of them ain’t fucking with him. If that’s what you’re here for then I don’t want to be with you
Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. We’re important. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more. They can’t just be running around with their head up in the air and passing all of us. I have a brother that dates a White woman and he always be fucking with me about it saying, “Y’all gotta go through all that shit [but] my White woman is fine. She don’t give me no problems, she do whatever I say and y’all gotta do all that arguing and fighting and worry about all this other shit.”My girl is Black and White. I guess the half White in her is where she still cooks and do all the shit that I say, so we make it. She just takes care of me and I like that. She don’t be begging and I don’t gotta buy her all this crazy ass shit. And she’s a smart girl too. She graduated from Columbia [University] and I like that about her so it’s cool. I’ve dated girls that will buy a $3,000 bag and don’t know how to pay it off on their credit cards. They walk around in these Louis Vuittons and red bottoms but they’re riding around in raggedy cars, so it’s just getting your priorities right.
White women treat they man like a king and Black women feel like they ain’t gotta do that shit. Black women need to stand by their man more. Don’t always put the pressure of if I’m fucking with you, you gotta buy me this and that. Black men are the ones that motherfuckers need [but] I think a lot of them need to step it up too. A Black man who gets a little bread will go make it rain in the club and be broke the next day or instead of him going to invest in a business he gonna go buy new jewelry or a new car and still live in the hood. Black peoples’ mentality is real fucked up in general [and] it’s affecting everything. Black women need to be more genuine and be more 50/50 [but] It should be a fair exchange in a relationship period or eventually somebody is gonna feel like they’re getting fucked over whether it’s the woman or the man. I think that will help Black relationships out a lot.
Let me say this first: I haven't listened to anything Slim Thug-related since his failed foray into the mainstream with Pharrell, 'I Ain't Heard of That'. Aside from that, and a heavy 2005 stint with Mike Jones and the rest of the Swishahouse gang, Slim Thugga is an afterthought in my hip-hop world. That said, Slim, I can't really be too mad at you for saying something even remotely outlandish to cast your name into the spotlight for even a vague hour on Twitter. But we're not here to talk about your fame, my G. We've got to discuss this nice little VIBE interview you had 2 days ago.
First of all, Slim, where do you get off as the voice of black men? Percentage wise, you represent such a small spectrum of black males, that it is impossible for you to have an adequate perspective on relationships. I mean, can you honestly say that you've had a "real" relationship (not to throw salt on your current one; I'm sure she's wonderful) since you've been a rapper? The rap game is notorious for introducing previously well-grounded young black men to harems of she-wolves, only for those same rappers to turn around and disrespect every woman they meet after that. So, is this interview you speaking as a regular, everyday, average black man with a mixed girlfriend, or you as a regular man turned rapper (with the body count to prove it) with a mixed girlfriend? My guess is, the latter. As a rapper you're in no position to comment on the romantic and social standing of the rest of us, especially when you make songs specifically made for strippers to 'drop it low,' 'pop their p*ssies,' and other vulgarities that won't make it onto this blog.
Second of all, why even bring up your 'brother' and his white woman? That's like saying a homophobic comment and then saying 'But I have gay friends!' as a qualifier. Your point there is completely moot, my dude. How do you know tha A) your brother isn't lying out of his diamond-encrusted teeth, B) your brother isn't the .000000001% of interracial relationships that has no problems, or C) his wife is just plain-old docile to begin with?
Note to EVERYONE: Just because you have a friend, cousin, uncle, auntie, sister, co-worker, landlord or any other acquaintance that X is true for, does not mean that X is true for every person. Quit generalizing and take every instance at face value.
Slim Thugga, it would seem as if your intellect were pretty darn slim in its own right if you believe that man's marriage has no problems. Every marriage has its high points and its low points. Doesn't mean one marriage (or race in marriage) is better than another. Don't downplay all sisters because your 'brother's' marriage is seemingly perfect.
Third of all, Slim, your half-white, half-black girlfriend, while she's probably a nice person, is not the end all be-all of relationships. Just because every woman that you've messed with before her was trifling and had a credit score lower than her self-esteem, doesn't mean your current shorty won't be just as trife. You seem to think that a college degree and mixed-heritage are the only signifiers of a good catch. Whatever happened to a good listener, a shoulder to lean on or someone good with kids? All of the traits you listed of black people at the end?? Yes, they are sad. But are you really going to let a part of Black society represent the whole in your mind? That seems very silly, Mr. Thomas. I think you need some work on your relationship and societal ideals, quickly.
Slim, it's because of people like you that black men and women are so fragmented. Instead of pointing out differences and pointing fingers at what the other sex should do, you should be figuring out ways to bring us together. Stop with the CNN/MSNBC/Dateline backlash and support black women as a whole, rather than villifying those that are somewhat trifling. Maybe then their ideal of a good man won't have to do with the size of his wallet, but the size of his heart. Maybe then, black men won't be as quick to hop in the sack with anything with a pulse and scar these women in the first place. Maybe then, you won't be having drawn out debates on Twitter about relationships that you have no clue about. I understand that this is spot reporting, and that much of what you said could be misconstrued. Yet, were the words VIBE put on their website that far from what you really mean? I doubt it. Not to belittle your intelligence, but you don't seem like the sharpest tack in the box. Maybe you should leave the relationship talk to Steve Harvey, and get back to niche performing in Houston. It'll at least be a safe zone, where you can clown on all the tricks you want without sounding like a jackass...
It's a high price for silence. Wronged wife Elin Nordegren is trying to club an eye-popping $750 million out of Tiger Woods in their divorce negotiations, according to reports Friday. Woods hasn't agreed yet, but if he does he wants total silence from his soon-to-be ex about the collapse of their marriage - forever, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
Nordegren has so far said no to signing a lifetime "confidentiality clause" that would prevent her from writing a book or doing any interviews about the split. She reportedly also wants full custody of their two kids even though it was first thought the couple were going to agree to joint custody.
DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against the institution of marriage or the process of divorce, nor am I a woman-hater, as my last post on a broken relationship may have dictated (word to Chris & Rihanna). Please, please, please do not take this post as anything more than it is: an opinion on a ridiculous situation, between people who probably should have never been married. Had the chips fallen in the opposite direction, we would have less of an outrage over it, much less be so divided over the issue. Just read, and enjoy; maybe even laugh at some of the jokes...
Marriage is a mixed bag for 45% of the population. There are ups and downs and everyday has a different struggle, no matter how much the pair love each other. 5% of marriages are damn near perfect, because the people are genuinely matched for one another. That other 50%, end in divorce. Elin, you and Tiger Woods are (or soon will be) part of that 50%. That's not to say that you didn't love each other dearly at some point. It just means that at another point (when the sh*t hit the fan in regards to Tiger's infidelity), you had your differences, which is completely understandable. Honestly, I believe that while Western society is patriarchal on the books and financially, it is slowly becoming matrifocal on the fringes. Women have always been seen as inferior outside of the domestic realm, and the courts prove that in their rulings regarding child custody and alimony. Elin, you were cheated on, repeatedly and in varying degrees and capacities. You deserve a rectifying force in your life to cover the pain, hurt, and embarrassment that this scandal caused you, as well as your family and your kids; just not $750 million worth of rectification. As a matter of fact, you don't deserve even half of that.
In my eyes, Tiger was dead wrong for what he did. However, there is no nuptial mistake worth 3/4 of a billion dollars. You neither helped Tiger acquire any of that money, nor were you a staid presence in his life when he signed those multi-million contracts. You simply hitched on when he fell for you. I could see your point if, at some time Eldrick Woods was a destitute aspiring golfer, and you aided him in building his empire. Hell, I could see your point if you were in any of the commercials or golf tournaments or appearances that made Tiger his fortune. Neither of those are remotely the case.
You see, Elin, your actions after Tiger's infidelity came to the light are fishy to me. After Tiger took his indefinite leave of absence to 'fix his marriage,' you stood by him like a good wife. I didn't agree with it, but I commended it, citing how forgiving you were. Now that Tiger's shown a lot of rust on the links and half of his endorsement deals are dissolved, you want to head for the hills with a $750 million bank. That doesn't seem kosher to me. If you were that salty about Tiger's cheating, wouldn't you have dropped his Blasian behind from the moment that voicemail hit the streets? If his cheating was that egregious, why would you stand by him at a press conference and support him while the media firestorm ate him alive? Why the sudden change of heart? My guess is that you definitely knew about him cheating, but kept it hush and turned the other way because it was convenient. Why rock the boat when you can still be eating in the captain's quarters? I feel like you read 'Golddigging for Dummies' and the light bulb started gleaming in your head. Note, I'm not saying Tiger's actions are right, but it's like you're kicking the man when he's already down, more so than trying to recoup for your 'pain and suffering'. Shouldn't any money you receive from the divorce be solely for the children's welfare? I'm no divorce judge, but that seems like the fairest route for the proceeding. Like I said before, the society we live in has become matrifocal almost to a fault. It's as if we expect men to screw up, so we overcompensate by giving reward where it's undue. Elin, it's not that I think Tiger didn't make a mistake. It just wasn't a $750 million mistake, and you know it...
These guys need to write the manual on prenuptial agreements...
What's up people? I haven't written a 'general' letter in... let's just say a while (check my college posts). By general letter, I mean a letter directed at an entire population. They're more advice and my take on things happening in my world and probably your world too. This one is dedicated to the time of year we call 'cuffing season'. Yes that's right. Everyone's ready to get their spring fever on, but we've got to lay some laws down so that there isn't an Icelandic ash cloud's worth of drama and BS to deal with by the time September rolls around...
1. First of all, I don't think any specific season should be 'cuffing season' or whatever you want to call it. Pimpmanship doesn't have an offseason, and neither should you. The people that talk about there being a cuffing season are either adding new prospects to their roster at an exponential rate (means you're getting a lot of fringe prospects) or not getting any action at all. That doesn't bode well for people like me, interested in being the happy middle ground, rather than a gross deviation. Regardless, keep your eyes open at all times, not just spring. You'll see more people that catch your eye and will be better off discerning what you want and don't, which brings me to the second point.
2. If you do subscribe to the idea of a season for cuffing, more power to you. That said, you shouldn't jump in headfirst or hit the ground running for your springtime exploits. Nothing is worse than an overly thirsty person who is overly excited to bag something up for the spring. Not only will any potential targets see that, and run for the hills, you'll probably end up going for someone that you won't be too happy with after the summer winds down. Like Fat Joe says, 'Slow down, son, you're killin em.' No seriously, doing too much in the romantic realm never does the trick. Cuffing season is no different.
3. This one is more directed at the ladies, though dudes can take heed as well. The springtime and its beautiful weather is no time to start flaunting all the curves that only darkness should touch. Seriously. Yeah, you've been in the gym all winter, getting your beach body ready and shaving off those extra pounds from all those late night 7-11 runs and extra handles of (insert liquor). That isn't a green light to come outside with two bandaids and a cork screw covering your essentials. No one likes seeing more than they need to. Take a hint. There's a difference between being sexy for spring and having too much confidence for too few clothes. It'll make you more attractive in the long run if you're beauty is conservatively veiled rather than a buffet platter at a $5 Chinese place.
4. Going off #3, keep what you do have tight and fresh. Upgrade your wardrobe, try out a new haircut, a new style or something. Also, keep yourself well groomed and hygienic. There's nothing worse than a person who doesn't know how to take care of themselves during the hotter months. Follicular and epidermal faux pas tend to happen and stick out more during the summer because the heat amplified EVERYTHING. Body odor will increase tenfold. Hair will turn into Brillo (for black people, at least). Clothes and skin will change color because of the sun hitting them. People have breathing problems due to the humidity. Whatever the bane of your physical appearance, take strides to keep them under control, so that they don't control your summer.
5. Now that you're all primped up and fresh out the box (whatever phrase you wanna use), make sure you don't go around thinking because it's 'cuffing season' you can talk to the opposite sex any old type of way. Just because the weather is nice, doesn't mean you can't be. Lose the lame lines, 'swagger' talk, and braggodocious thoughts for some respect, actual conversation and getting to know the person. Sure, you won't be knocking boots down all summer, but it's better than finding out in August that the person didn't even find you remotely interesting, much less that it wasn't their real name. Think chivalry and charm rather than game and G. Those do the trick much better in the long run and, if done right, can have just as many joints knocking at your door by summer's end. They'll probably be a lot more worth your time too.
6. Would you, as a Roman gladiator (or Zulu warrior, or whatever) run up into battle without your armor? I hope not, because you would be the first dead on Spartacus. The point is, any dirt you do end up doing, be safe. Use protection and keep your warrior out of harm's way. Point. Blank. Period.
7. Take advantage of all of the resources available in your city, town, municipality, principality, fief or what have you. Spring and summer are notorious for shenanigans and events popping off EVERYWHERE. Not only do random concerts, jam sessions, festivals, carnivals, parades, etc., make for great outdoor fun, they are cheap as hell when thinking about an activity to do with a summer significant other. I know too many heads who break their personal banks when it comes to dating. Do yourself a favor, and do some research. You'll probably have a better time, and so will your wallet.
8. Remember to have fun!! Courtship, flirting and all variants are more about the journey than the destination. No significant other is above getting dropped to the curb if another is pulling their weight better. As it stands, people take their romantic lives too seriously at our age. If you're under 25, CHILL. We've got the rest of our lives to find soulmates. Might as well enjoy the weather while you're searching...
There you have it people. 8 rules that'll have you cuffed and booed up in no time, if you want, that is. Even if you don't believe in cuffing season, by no means should you take my word for proof. Get outside, find a spot to post up, grab an icee from the Mr. Softee truck and try your luck with the opposite sex. If you don't end up cuffin, at least you'll have had a good time trying...
Had this song in mind the entire time I was writing the post. Only seems fit for the summer...
Okay, Tiger... I'm actually sick of writing about you and wish that some other athlete or personality would do something newsworthy. Regardless, as I turned on my television this morning to ESPN (as usual), I was met with the usual talk about you and your career and its downfall. After all of this, I have one thing to say:
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING!?!?!?
Tiger do you realize how bad the media made you look? If so, you should realize that by apologizing on national television and making such a big deal about it, you're playing right into the media's hands. I find it funny that you felt the need to do this considering the amount of infidelity that runs rampant among celebrities, entertainers, athletes and politicians. John Edwards had a lovechild that he denied for a year. Lil' Wayne has about 6 baby mothers that we actually know of. Yet and still, no one is asking them to apologize. You've essentially put yourself in a position, where if you don't do well at golf when you come back, your career is over, no matter how much you apologize. You've been painted a cheater and homewrecker and a person of bad moral character in the court of public opinion. In fact, I think if you had just kept silent, and popped up at the next major tournament on the PGA Tour, it would be a lot more powerful than you up at a podium reciting a written apology. It's a sad state in the world where groupies can bring down the most pristine of stars, yet people who do just as much wrong go unnoticed. Tiger, go hit the ball and love your business partner wife. Lord knows she's waiting for another groupie to step to you so she can collect that next check...
For the first time, John Edwards is publicly admitting that he is indeed the father of a 2-year-old daughter conceived with Rielle Hunter, a campaign videographer with whom he had an affair. In a written statement provided exclusively to NBC News, the former North Carolina senator and Democratic presidential candidate says he’s taking responsibility for the child, Frances Quinn Hunter:
“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace.
It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me. I have been providing financial support for Quinn and have reached an agreement with her mother to continue providing support in the future. To all those I have disappointed and hurt these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.”
John, I am soooooo disappointed in you. Not only did you lose a vicious Presidential race a few years ago, but now you're coming out of the wood work with a love child? To tell you the truth, I was ready to just overlook this entire story and chalk it up to the political bullshit that we see every day. But after seeing your nice little statement sent exclusively to NBC, I couldn't help but make light of your plight.
So John, you more or less disavowed any knowledge or responsibility for your love child a few months back, which is detestable in and of itself. You did a pretty good job of hiding it. The problem is, being a politician (or any public figure), you have a team around you working 24/7 to keep all of your dirty laundry from falling out of the hamper. When you do these people wrong or simply aren't on the same terms as them anymore, they have all the more incentive to break out that pair of drawers that aren't your wife's. That's exactly what happened here, John. The only reason you're coming out with this statement is because your former campaign manager is coming out with a book telling everyone what you just admitted. It's pretty sad actually, that you're coming out more to save your own ass than to stand up for your own seed, whom you vehemently denied up to this point. It's also funny that no one is really talking about your fuck-up. I guess when you're black or poor, it's called being a bad father, but when you're a politician, it's just another day of PR. I hope you've listened to Confessions Part 2 a few times, because you're about to be feeling the same way soon...
For those of you unfortunate lucky enough to have an iPhone, the apps that you have at your disposal are phenomenal. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who likes to snoop on your phone for text messages, then this is the app for you. iTrust simulates the iPhone welcome screen so that it looks like everything is peachy. However, while iTrust is open, the app is actually recording everything that the snooper does on the phone. Hopefully you don't have any sneaky hands on your iPhone, but if you do, here's the chance to catch them red-handed. Check the video...
The phrase is correct, but the actions are dead wrong...
Okay Teddy, I will not lie. Blackstreet was one of my favorite groups. I still sing No Diggity, Baby Be Mine and Don't Leave Me Girl to this day. You guys paved the way for the R&B group explosion of the late 90's and were innovators in terms of sound. You however, have truly disappointed me. I've always been a firm believer that discipline in a child's life is second only to love. Whether corporal, or simple positive reinforcement, the discipline in a child's life is one of the more prevalent factors in shaping them as an adult. That said, what the hell, Teddy?? Since when has it been okay to beat a child with their Christmas present? You see, Teddy, there is a HUGE difference between discipline and abuse, and you crossed it.
According to the ridiculous Twitter argument between you and your daughter (readers, you can find that for yourself; I refuse to cite TMZ or MTO), she was unhappy with your new girlfriend and decided to voice that opinion. Call me new school, or progressive, but when a child reaches a certain age (18 in your daughter's case), they have a pretty good scope of relationships, even if they haven't been in one themselves. Now this is just an assumption, but your new girlfriend probably isn't your first of that variety (young, and money hungry), and probably won't be your last. You may even love the woman, which is cool. But at what point do you take your daughter's feelings into consideration?
Even if you didn't agree with what she was saying, I'm sure hitting her with a Rock Band guitar probably isn't the best way to leave your fatherly imprint on her. In fact, I'm even more sure that doing that will make her despise you even more. I'm no family expert. Nor was I there when the incident, and subsequent Twitter argument (funny that there is such a thing, isn't it?) took place. But your daughter was there before your girlfriend, and will be there after (not trying to put a hex on your girl; I'm just telling it how it is) her. Don't alienate and abuse her because she told you that you need to stop putting p*ssy on a pedestal...
Next year would be the best time to renew your vows, buy flowers and candy, and take your wife out for every conceivable holiday under the sun. I'm serious. This morning, we received word that Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry died from a serious accident after a domestic dispute with his fiancee. Apparently, the five year player out of West Virginia hopped into the back of his pickup truck as his fiance drove away. About a mile down the road, Henry was found with life-threatening injuries.
Now, I won't make any assumptions as to the nature of the incident, or how or why it came about, but as soon as I heard the word 'domestic', it rung the bell of all bells. Whether it's Tiger Woods' whole situation, the Gilbert Arenas and Shaq saga, or Terrell Suggs pouring bleach on his wife, athletes seem to always be at odds with their women (sad that all of them are black). Athletes, some of you get married or engaged under the wrong pretenses. Whether you just got drafted, won a championship, got a new contract or whatever, it always seems like you guys go for broke with love at the wrong times. A lot of the time, I think your elopement is more out of circumstance than it is love. Perhaps children are involved, or the joy of success in professional sports puts a rosy blinder over the truth: YOU MIGHT NOT BE AS IN LOVE AS YOU THINK.
Seriously, guys. How many more Media Takeout and TMZ stories have to be released before you get the picture? Relationships (including marriage) take more than love. They take commitment, sacrifice and understanding, much like the sports that you play. If you don't have any or all of those working in your relationship, chances are that person is not right for you (or maybe not at that time). Whatever the case, Chris Henry clearly died in vain. He ran out of his house looking to clear his relationship up or to settle a dispute and ended up losing his life. Not to say that every argument in your household will end in fatality, but you get what I'm saying.
Why do you think the most successful athletes are NOT married?? Or better yet, why does their success preclude their marriage?? It's because as an athlete, you're so used to putting all of your effort into your trade (or I hope so), that at the end of the day, there really might not be anything left to put into a relationship. Kids might make the relationship more tame, but they still can't sweep inherent problems with the relationship under the rug. Athletes, get your situation squared away before you commit to someone else, especially if your maturity off the field pales in comparison to that on the field. Having an unstable partner behind you is worse than not having anyone behind you. I'm sure Tiger's plight spells it out perfectly for you...
Just listen to this. I'm not going to say that I would do it, but it would certainly allow for a lot less awkward situations. I mean seriously, how many of you guys have broken up in a public place only to have it erupt into a battle royale of shouts, screams and profanities. This service would either cut that in half, or raise domestic violence two-fold. You can try it for yourself, but I sure as hell will be making my roster cuts manually...
