Dear Joe Budden

*sigh* I didn't ever want to write this letter. After 'Ordinary Love Sh*t: Part 2' I thought your knack for wifing up buxom beauties with more stars in their hearts than love was gone. Lo and behold, I woke up this morning to a profanity-laced back-and-forth between you and your estranged video model girlfriend Esther Baxter. Something about her cheating on you with while she was pregnant... Not more than a few minutes after that, 'Ordinary Love Sh*t: Part 3' started surfacing around the Interwebs, and I knew something was up.


Joe Budden - Ordinary Love Sh*t - Part 3

Cut to the Frank Ocean 'Novacane' instrumental,

SIDENOTE: Rappers, don't start jumping on the OFWGKTA bandwagon, using their instrumentals, just because the rest of the world is feeling them.

and the listener hears you at your finest: mad. You wax prophetic about past tiffs with Tahiry and how you said you would never doubt your gut feeling again when it came to women. From calling out Derrick Ward for the affair, 2nd and 3rd pregnancies, kids being involved, it was like an episode of Maury that had taken the drug known as Charlie Sheen. The song itself was piff (see last paragraph), yet there is something wrong with letting your laundry fly all over the place, especially when it's the same brand of drawers. #seewhatididthere

My beef, or rather my issue, is this Joey: why do you keep wifing hoes, and expecting less than hoe behavior? As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. In Tahiry's case, I suppose you got a pass, because no one knew who that broad was before she became your arm candy. In Esther's case, we've known about her for years! I was a sophomore in high school when I first remember drooling to Esther's bodacious curves in Petey Pablo's 'Freek-a-Leek' video. It's like Denny Green's famous tirade: (Esther is) who we thought (she was)!! You of all should know that, man. You've been a rapper long enough to know when a woman has little if any intention of being good to you.

That said, Joey, while this type of drama is very unsightly for your public image and overall fandom, as a hip-hop fan, I love it! This is what music is supposed to be about! Raw emotion! Unreserved honesty! No qualms! Forget about who's listening! Just say it! Don't let people ever doubt where your head and heart are at. That's when you turn into B.o.B. and start shooting out undirected diss tracks. One of your strengths as an artist is that you tell it how it is; the hairy, ugly, morbidly obese, clap-infested truth! That you had to endure another public break-up is sad, yes. No one really wants to put their ex on blast... Well, maybe you take solace in that. I suppose we can lament another one of your failed relationships while we laugh at the pure hilarity that is your interview on the Breakfast Club, who seemed just as in awe of your revelations as the rest of the world was...

Dear Future Girlfriend

It only made sense... *bops head*

It's a new year, but the same problems we faced in 2010 are the same ones that'll rear their ugly heads in new and innovative ways. One such issue is that of relationship woes. Relationships are easy to get into, but hard to deal with and much harder to sustain when people don't see eye-to-eye. Even worse is when one partner switches up their standards or backslides into a dangerous romantic state, leaving the other confused and in a one-sided relationship.

That said, I think this year needs to be one of well-defined, yet achievable standards. My future girlfriend, it's time for you to get acquainted to what I want. Often, in this highly matrifocal society, women are afforded the driver's seat in relationships. In my circles, far too many times has the onus been on the man to be patient, accommodating, caring, and understanding, without receiving the same in return, or receiving it half-assedly. It's time to let my needs be known. Future girlfriend, here are my list of (non-sexual) demands requests hopes for you and us:

- You don't have to be interested in the same things as me, but being able to converse on a number of different levels is imperative. Whether it's about rhesus monkeys overtaking the Congolese population, why Sarah Palin needs a muzzle, or whether Julian Assange is a bastion of free speech or a terrorist, have something to talk about other than yourself. If you're good-looking sans personality, it's about as attractive as Hannibal Lecter's plastic surgery patients.

- We need to be honest with one another, not in the sense that we should trade journals and have three-a-day 'honesty' hours. I mean more so in the sense that if something is amiss, you bring it to my attention, rather than waiting for me to ask you.

- Comfort me when I'm down, and I'll do the same. Make me smile and I promise I'll give you a reason to smile every day. Do the opposite, and the romantic pot you piss in will be yanked from right under you. Point. Blank. Period. Relationships are about reciprocation, in feelings and ideology.

- Everyone has emotional baggage. That's just the way romance works. The point of getting into a new relationship is to alleviate the wrongs that your previous partner did and leave the baggage behind, all while making newer, happy memories. If your baggage is too much for you to handle, you should trust me as your significant other to fix what he did.

- Speaking of exes, if you have a recent ex, please please please please, either cut him off or establish your own boundary for acceptable contact. Your ex is your ex for a reason. If he's still in your life (and you still visualize the two of you together), that leaves the door open for a gang of misunderstandings and arguments for us. I wouldn't say I'm the jealous type, but my Spider senses tingle when I see you keeping him around.

- I don't care about your monetary, employment or educational status as long as you're constantly and gainfully working toward something. I know I can get into ruts of slacker-dom, as do many of my peers. At the same time, there's no excuse to be completely stagnant. Have a plan or an idea or... SOMETHING!

- Infidelity is punishable by getting cut off completely. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You want to get all 60's on me and experience 'free love'? Get on Craigslist's casual encounters and leave me out of your menagerie of sexual exploits. At this age, monogamy is the name of the game. Two players, and we all win... Any more than that is a crowd and a headache.

- Last, but not least, if it doesn't feel right, let's take a step back. We shouldn't invest in something we're not sure about. There's nothing more backwards than jumping headfirst without surveying the landing, though I'm guilty of it as much as the next. Moderation at the beginning is a virtue. If we're not on the same page, let's hold our heads until the dust settles.

To all you budding feminists reading this saying 'Who does he think he is?' and 'No woman is there to be your personal footstool!', consider this: If you were to begin a relationship and a man were to eschew any of these edicts, would you still want to be with him? Better yet, if a man were to do all these and more, would there be any issue? This letter isn't a list of exhaustive demands I have for you, future girlfriend. The list is simply retorts to problems I've faced in relationships and hopefully a viewing window into what I think should be tenets of a healthy relationship. Misunderstandings are natural in romance; that goes without saying. Yet, the little amount and discordant manner of dialogue between the sexes illustrates how little we're willing to understand one another. So, to my future girlfriend, let's build on a foundation of understanding, not hot air and sparks. It'll be well worth the effort on both sides.

Dear Oprah

There's something about certain entrepreneurs that makes me smile, but at the same time makes me want to hurl. They're so enthralling because at times, they can show us exactly why we're (we as in non-millionaires) exactly how to get to a similar position: cutthroat business strategies, schmoozing with the right people and almost shameless promotion. The same thing that enthralls us, however, is the same thing that gives rise to ridiculous ego-stroking, a sad vanity complex and a holier-than-thou spin on everything. Such is your plight, oh great Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Yes, I enjoy the fact that now all the brainwashed adoring fans of Sofia can get 24 hours of all Oprah, all the time, but does the world really need that?

Oprah, there's no doubt in my mind that your network will be a day-long ode to new-age self improvement fads, Dr. Phil philosophy ideologies and makeovers. Most troubling about the idea of you having your own network is how excruciatingly preachy it will be. The thing I dislike about you, Oprah, isn't that you try to help people and be a modern-day guru. I could care less about that. The fact still remains that a heft amount of what you preach, you couldn't know less about. How a person sit there for hours and listen to you talk about parenting, when the only kids you have are your 'daughters' in South Africa? How can anyone take your advice on relationships and marriage, when you've been living with a business partner posing as a romantic partner? Even Dr. Phil... There's something problematic when people flock to a person's teachings simply because you say that person is a consummate professional. That's like trusting the mystery meat in the cafeteria, just because the lunch people are serving it.

Your network is going to be so predictable, too. I can just picture constant re-runs of your syndicated show, along with Lifetime-quality, man-bashing movies, and shows starring Rosie O'Donnell and Wynona Rider all aimed at stay-at-home moms, self-hating men, and people too brainwashed caught up by your genius influence to change the channel. Your network doesn't look like it's going to be pushing any boundaries or giving the viewer anything ground-breaking. It looks safe, just like any segments you've done with people you used to revile (see: Ludacris and Jay-Z). Rather than do something new with your network, you're further diluting your image in my mind, from someone with a voice that matters to someone with just a voice. Kudos to you for being the first black woman to run a television network, Oprah, but I pray no one calls their cable provider to get OWN. It'll be a $12 addition to their bill they might as well have saved, though it would've probably gone to your 'book club' at the end of the day...

Dear Reverse Sexists

So, because I don't look, dress or act like this, I'm emasculated... -____-

via The Bulletin:

Despite what feminists might argue, real men don’t wear skinny jeans. Real men also don’t wear V-neck tees, or accessorized scarves, and they avoid purple and pink like the plague. The mere idea of a pedicure or waxing makes a real man nauseous. If a woman hangs out with this kind of girly-man routinely, it’s only because she wants to share his wardrobe and his non-fat caramel macchiato. A woman can’t imagine a man reloading his double barrel shotgun or chopping wood when he’s donned in Donna Karan and drinking an Appletini. Men were meant to wear rugged Wranglers, leather jackets and boots, like they belong in a James Dean movie and not an episode of “Will & Grace.”

When did men in America go from being masculine steak-eating, plaid shirt wearing, Old Spice smelling, cigar smoking cowboys who like football, hunting, and Clint Eastwood movies to skinny jean wearing, satchel carrying, pierced ear metrosexuals who like chick flicks, “The View,” and Bath & Bodyworks? The American man is an endangered species due in large part to the over-feminization of society. Not surprisingly, the arrow of blame points towards the feminists who have transformed our schools into gender neutral zones of indoctrination. Early on, boys’ innate masculinity is suppressed by banning competitive, rough games like dodge ball and tag on the playground, having co-ed teams, not keeping score in soccer games, and rewarding passive, demure behavior.

Boys learn to subdue their more spirited, intrepid behavior in elementary and middle school, their male instincts of competition and individualism quashed in the interest of what’s best for girls as they walk like lemmings over the edge of the radical feminist cliff by the time they reach high school. Because of the feminist movement, boys aren’t allowed to be boys - society has fenced them in, corralled their adventurous enthusiasm in the name of sexual equality. The end product is pantywaist pushovers who will cry during “Steel Magnolias” and urinate sitting down. This is bad news for America, who will eventually have to reap what the feminists have sown, which will be a paucity of male leaders, entrepreneurs, scientists and heroes.

DISCLAIMER: Please do NOT take this letter regarding the wild ruminations of some wacko beat writer as my disdain for women altogether. At the same time, realize that not all of this applies to any one person, group or gender. As a society, we don't really treat the opposite sex as equally as we should, on both sides of the picture. What ends up happening is that people have to assume roles within their sex in order to feel secure in their sex, which leads to many of the misconceptions and misunderstandings between males and females. This letter is about women who feel the need to tell a man to 'man up', forgetting that they don't even know what it feels like to be a man...

One of the things I see a lot of, especially during trending topic hailstorms, is people airing out their grievances against the opposite sex. People gripe about every possible relationship problem they could ever have, and make known their ideas about what their relationships entail. The one that bothers me the most though, is the argument that men should 'man up'. Man up? What does that even mean in a literal sense? Absolutely nothing. When women say it to men condescendingly, such as the writer above, I have to ask you, do men tell you to 'woman up'? Throughout history, the plight of feminism was to gain equal standing for women and loosen their traditional role in society. Today, though there are many pitfalls to this goal of equality, huge strides have been taken by women. That said, what happens when the roles of men are generalized by women? We can't really speak out on that, can we?

I mean, when is the last time you've seen a "men's support group", helping men feel more secure about themselves or less constricted by gender roles? I can't think of any time. The truth is, masculinity is one of the most rigid structures in society. There's no room for movement. If a man doesn't fit that traditional role of a 'man's man', chopping wood, playing football, eating steaks and breaking women's hearts, he gets labeled as a p*ssy or a b*tch or whatever derogatory term is the letter of the day. But that's not the point of this post. Women telling a man to 'man up' is sooooo much worse than a man doing it. After reading Ms. Givalry's post, I have to ask you emasculating women, have you ever been a man? Do you know what it physically (never mind emotionally) means to be a man? How can a woman try to put a stereotypical gender role on a man, when she's trying to break free of one?

See, I don't get the 'men can't show emotion' and 'men can't be interested in their appearance' arguments. First of all, show me any woman who would go out with a man who didn't look relatively put together? I'm not saying he has to be fresh out of a spread in GQ, but ladies, could you see yourself dating the spawn of Oscar the Grouch and the kid from the Peanuts with the cloud of dust around him? Second of all, why is the spectrum of emotions for men limited to anger, happiness and sexual desire? Can a ninja be sad or upset for once?? For a man to open himself up to you, and be willing to share his feelings beyond those rudimentary ones is a big step for most of our kind. Downplaying it as him not being 'man enough' is about as small-minded as it can get. It's as if you get all of your ideologies about men from watching 'The Expendables' (great movie, by the way). How can YOU as a woman toss ME as a man toss me your copy of 'The Man Laws' and expect me to take you seriously? In today's world gender roles should be able to bend both ways, not just in women's favor. It stands as a testament to feminism, in a universal sense, where no one is restricted to what society deems worthy of manly or womanly. I guess my point is this ladies: If you want to sit around and talk about how men should 'man up', then you can never be upset when a man questions your feminine charms. You'd be erasing all that false power you'd built up in your head under the guise of feminism, and probably not feeling too pretty afterwards. Support the men in your life as they are, not as you think they should be...

Joshua Bennett - Don't Let Me Go (ft. AmJay)

Joshua Bennett - Don't Let Me Go (ft. AmJay)

How many guys can honestly admit to nodding their head to a 'track for the ladies'? *looks at watch* Not too many of the XY crowd have the emotional capacity to say what they're feeling to the women in their life, sans mothers. Men, for some reason (and especially in rap), tend to make love songs without a lot of romance in them. None of the sweet nothings, minute observations, or rosy perspectives tend to show up on a track like 'Thuggin Love' or 'Come With Me, Hoe'. That's why I'm proud to see the homie Joshua Bennett rocking out on a track dedicated to the beautiful ladies out there, featuring songstress AmJay. While all of us might not be blessed to have one in our lives, those fellows that do should appreciate the track too. From what I've heard so far Mr. Bennett's upcoming mixtape is heat rocks covered in dope sauce. Make sure to keep it locked to Dear Whoever for more previews...

iDump4U - Ending Relationships the 21st Century Way

Just listen to this. I'm not going to say that I would do it, but it would certainly allow for a lot less awkward situations. I mean seriously, how many of you guys have broken up in a public place only to have it erupt into a battle royale of shouts, screams and profanities. This service would either cut that in half, or raise domestic violence two-fold. You can try it for yourself, but I sure as hell will be making my roster cuts manually...