Dear Comcast (re: NBC merger)

Net neutrality, anyone?

They say you shouldn't shoot the messenger. Well, what happens when the messenger and the ones sending the message are one in the same? What happens when the same people making the news become the same people delivering it? What happens when the media outlets and the content providers merge Saiyan-style to destroy every other entity not named Disney? That is my beef today, Comcast. Now, we're not going to get into how much I hate your cable service and it's ridiculous hidden charges or mysterious 'shut-offs'. Today's not that day. I will, however, delve into your recent acquisition of NBC, and how utterly destructive it is not only for me (the end user) and media as a whole.

Comcast, by taking over NBC, you've become the first cable company to own a major broadcast network. Let that sink in... You OWN NBC. That means, anything that NBC puts out as its own, you own. You're held solely responsible, liable and accountable for the NBC imprint and everything that comes under it. By that token, everything coming from NBC has to have your oh-so-shadowy stamp of approval on it, which is scary to say the least.

You guys will be able to control who, what, where and when NBC broadcasts instead of them having their own jurisdiction. No longer will NBC be its own entity in terms of the content it puts out. Everything that you do, they will have to do, which includes broadcasting news and shows that you approve, advertising what you approve and partnering with firms that you approve. NBC essentially won't have its own identity. It may as well just become the Comcast network and end the speculation.

The only reason you guys bought NBC is because you see the way that online movie and television watching has picked up, and you want a piece of that pie (not that you have your own pie factory, or anything). It's really sickening from a consumer's standpoint. It's like watching the Walmart take over your town by taking down every other store that sells everything Walmart doesn't sell. You're buying out the market because you realize you might not be able to compete soon.

Cable companies like yourself are trying to become the online content providers, not by providing content, but by buying the people that do. While that's pretty good business, what part of the ethical or competitive game is that? What happened to innovation and new firms being allowed to supersede corporate money and might? Maybe I'm a purist, but by cornering the market, it only shows how cornered you guys are: that you stretched yourself thin on traditional cable and are trying to buy your way out. NBC probably won't be the last purchase, especially if the FCC continues to let you walk all over them. But hey, who am I kidding? It's not like I watch the Office or 30 Rock on TV, anyway. Shout out to Hulu, Netflix and all those illegal sites that shall not be named...

Game of Thrones

It's been a while since the term 'get medieval on that ass' has been usable without drawing stares, weird retorts or general confusion. This April, though, I'm going to break that one out, just because HBO is trying to do the same with its new series, 'Game of Thrones'. The show revolves around the fictional (or stylized?) region of Westeros, where the summers can last decades and the winters can last a lifetime, and the struggle of numerous noble families to acquire the Iron Throne. It's early, but I can definitely tell that HBO has another hit on their hands. The scenery looks just as dark, rustic and bubonic plague-infested as it can given out paltry knowledge of medieval society. Then again, who's looking for that with all of the sex and violence coming from the trailer? Either way, it's time to start boning up on your swordsmanship and jousting...

Dear Oprah

There's something about certain entrepreneurs that makes me smile, but at the same time makes me want to hurl. They're so enthralling because at times, they can show us exactly why we're (we as in non-millionaires) exactly how to get to a similar position: cutthroat business strategies, schmoozing with the right people and almost shameless promotion. The same thing that enthralls us, however, is the same thing that gives rise to ridiculous ego-stroking, a sad vanity complex and a holier-than-thou spin on everything. Such is your plight, oh great Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Yes, I enjoy the fact that now all the brainwashed adoring fans of Sofia can get 24 hours of all Oprah, all the time, but does the world really need that?

Oprah, there's no doubt in my mind that your network will be a day-long ode to new-age self improvement fads, Dr. Phil philosophy ideologies and makeovers. Most troubling about the idea of you having your own network is how excruciatingly preachy it will be. The thing I dislike about you, Oprah, isn't that you try to help people and be a modern-day guru. I could care less about that. The fact still remains that a heft amount of what you preach, you couldn't know less about. How a person sit there for hours and listen to you talk about parenting, when the only kids you have are your 'daughters' in South Africa? How can anyone take your advice on relationships and marriage, when you've been living with a business partner posing as a romantic partner? Even Dr. Phil... There's something problematic when people flock to a person's teachings simply because you say that person is a consummate professional. That's like trusting the mystery meat in the cafeteria, just because the lunch people are serving it.

Your network is going to be so predictable, too. I can just picture constant re-runs of your syndicated show, along with Lifetime-quality, man-bashing movies, and shows starring Rosie O'Donnell and Wynona Rider all aimed at stay-at-home moms, self-hating men, and people too brainwashed caught up by your genius influence to change the channel. Your network doesn't look like it's going to be pushing any boundaries or giving the viewer anything ground-breaking. It looks safe, just like any segments you've done with people you used to revile (see: Ludacris and Jay-Z). Rather than do something new with your network, you're further diluting your image in my mind, from someone with a voice that matters to someone with just a voice. Kudos to you for being the first black woman to run a television network, Oprah, but I pray no one calls their cable provider to get OWN. It'll be a $12 addition to their bill they might as well have saved, though it would've probably gone to your 'book club' at the end of the day...

Blue's Clues: Remixed

Everyone knows the song to Blue's Clues by heart, or very well should. Blue's Clues was the first kid's show made for slow kids. I say that because they made the clues so obvious that only a blind kid wouldn't be able to get it. That said, it's always been a mystery as to what happened to Steve and his little brother (blank). The show said that Steve went to college, but those of us who read the news know he got mixed up in something a little more adult than that. Even so, these people found a way to explain it, with hilarious results. This is the Christopher Nolan version of Blue's Clues. Taking cues from movies such as Inception and the new Batman series, this remix of Blue's Clues is not for the faint of heart, yet keeps in line with the course of one episode. Enjoy it, and be on the lookout for more blue paw prints...

Dear Google

Maybe I've just read 1984 a few too many times, but this just seems eerie...

It was only a matter of time. I always thought that sooner or later a company would begin laying the foundation down for them becoming Big Brother. Google, you have taken that first step. You introduced Google TV today, which is a pretty simple idea: add internet functionality to TV's. We could get our favorite videos and shows online instead of through cable, and pretty much have some semblance of a computer at our televisions. It's actually a very innovative idea, and might damn well revolutionize media as we know it. Yet somehow, it might do some damage. Google, your new product isn't all it's cracked up to be, and for 2 reasons:



First of all, America has an obesity problem already. Every day more and more people are stuffing themselves full of extra-fatty, extra-salty, extra-sugary food. To put it short, obesity is an epidemic. One of the causes is inactivity. A good chunk of people sit on their asses all day, get up for bathroom breaks and sit right back down, until they have to go home and sit right back down again. Why would you give an already fat, television-obsessed nation another reason not to get off their couch? That's like providing heroin-users with free needles. You're doing a lot of harm for some good. Yes it's cool that we can access the internet on our TV's now, but you guys know that some people will take it to the extreme. The worst part is, by you guys knowing all of our viewing patterns, we basically are giving you guys free access to our minds...



No, that's not just me being a conspiracy theorist; it's me showing what happens when one company has this much reign. Think about it. Reason 2: We use everything Google nowadays - phones, internet content, and now TV? It's only a matter of time before there's Google Food, Google Transportation and All Google Everything. People will begin investing their livelihoods into you, Google. You'll become the 'Party' while everyone is glued to their telescreens Google TV. You'll be able to monitor and maybe alter what everyone is seeing until it fits the Google Image. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but you guys have always been a company that looked forward. You can't honestly say that you don't see any of this on the horizon, in any capacity. You are leading the digital revolution. Let's just hope the revolution takes us in the right direction...

Entourage (Season 7 Trailer) x True Blood (Season 3 Trailer)

Seriously, DAMN my lack of premium cable in Philadelphia. I really just might have to bite the bullet and hand over the measly $12.50 or whatever Comcast wants to get HBO for June. Two of my favorite shows, Entourage and True Blood are making their way back to the air next month. I, for one, am excited beyond belief. The Entourage trailer is simple, but sets this season up perfectly for seasoned watchers. With Vinny filming a new movie, Drama starring in a new TV show, E getting engaged to Sloane, Ari becoming the most powerful agent in Hollywood and Turtle breaking it off with Jamie Lynn (and hopefully finishing college), there is more than enough unfinished business to take a half an hour out of my Sunday nights for a few months. Now, the True Blood trailer is just overkill. There is soooooooooooooo much happening in that 2 minutes, that I can't even fathom how the producers are going to fit it all in one season. The search is on for Bill, after he gets kidnapped while proposing to Sookie. From the trailer, you can see that there will be werewolves, a whole bevy of new characters, and... if I'm not mistaken, Tara looks like she gets bitten by a vampire! Like I said before, if you don't have HBO, now might be the time to pull the trigger. Entourage begins June 27th and True Blood on June 13th. That ought to be a enough time...

Uncle Ruckus x Shade 45

There are so many brilliant characters on The Boondocks, but the most unique might be Uncle Ruckus. His self-hating rants have become more and more clever and crazy. Aaron McGruder didn't just make him a one-trick pony. Plus, he has a weird connection with Huey, probably seeing that he isn't like the rest of the people on the show. I've always wondered what would happen if Uncle Ruckus (pronounced roo-koo) was a real person. The good people at Shade 45 Sirius Satellite Show decided to play with that thought, bringing in the voice behind Ruckus and letting listeners call in to the show. The result was ridiculous, to say the least. Gary Anthony Williams destroyed the callers, left and right. It's best you just listen for yourselves...

Dear Reality TV

Is this what we've come to? Really?? Come on TV networks. This is lame. It's lamer than lame. It's not even funny. Let's get this straight. I hate reality television. The idea of people essentially putting their dirty laundry out for people to ogle is ridiculous to me. The private lives of celebrities and wanna-be celebrities probably shouldn't be fodder for our viewing pleasure. That said, I understand why people watch some shows. They like the scripts storylines and get personally drawn in by the actors casts. If that's the case, then why do shows like 'What Chilli Wants' even exist? I feel like damn near every reality tv show nowadays follows one script now:

EVERY REALITY SHOW SCRIPT:
- Has-been celebrity/C-celebrity/wannabe celebrity has some problem that would be trivial to most people (ie: finding a mate, a drug problem, pursuing new work after a fizzling career).
- Enter a 'friend' (aka hired actor) to help counsel the celebrity in their matters.
- The two stumble over the problems and (hopefully) find out the problem isn't even that serious.
- The season ends with the problem unresolved and a whole new season of trivial problems on deck.
- Season 2 comes back with a new problem and new friends.

Now you guys aren't even hiring the actual stars!! It's their bird-brained wives!!


That's a pretty simple premise. Think about all the shows like that: Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business, Salt-N-Pepa Show, What Chilli Wants, Breaking Bonaduce, and numerous other shows that follow the exact same script. You guys don't even try to hide it with different locales!! It's always in Atlanta, NYC, or Los Angeles, in the most artificial of environments. All of the themes are the same. All of the ideas are the same. Hell, some reality TV stars have more than one show (coughcoughthecoughKardashianscoughcough), and if it wasn't for extended casts, they'd be the same show!! Seriously though, clean up these shows. Either head back to the drawing board and find something better to point your cameras at, or at least find some celebrities with something of worth to bring to the telly. If this is what we're raising our kids on, I might just deem myself infertile at age 30...

Kanye West x The Cleveland Show

This Sunday night should be an epic one in television history... Well, not that serious. But still, along with the third and final season of the Boondocks beginning, we'll get treated to Kanyeezy making a nice little guest spot on the Cleveland Show. For someone who's been known to at times take himself and his opinion way too seriously, it's going to be interesting to see what kind of jokes Mr. West is a part of, or better yet, the butt of. Also, the rap and hip-hop references in this episode should be crazy. Hopefully there's some action with Rallo and Cleveland Jr., too. Check out the sneak preview of the episode airing Sunday, May 2nd...

FREE Planet Earth Episode Download on iTunes

If you aren't a fan of Planet Earth, then I don't know what is wrong with you. The epic series from BBC and the Discovery Channel chronicles 11 different habitats on the planet. It's also the most expensive nature documentary series ever, and the first to be shot in HD. That alone makes it groundbreaking, considering we do everything in HD nowadays (#shoutout to TFY). As a celebration for Earth Day 2010 (40 years of Earth Day!!!), BBC is going to be offering Planet Earth on iTunes for download, and offering the first episode, 'From Pole to Pole' for free. That's right. You heard read me right. FREE. Download the FREE episode here and check out some of the amazing HD flicktures from Planet Earth's run on television...

Life - A Discovery Channel Special

If you don't watch the Discovery Channel, not only would you not be my friend, but you'd also be missing out on some of the best programming on television. On March 21st, DSC will be airing the new series, 'Life' from the creators of 'Planet Earth'. This time around, the cameras will be focused on the animals and wildlife that inhabited the locales from Planet Earth. Each week there'll be two episodes. I think this series will be much more epic than the previous one since it's focusing solely on animals and not habitat. Whatever the case, check out the trailer for Life...

How to Make it in America

HBO has a knack for airing shows that display the tiniest aspects of the most unheralded and least visited lifestyles. Whether its mob bosses in the Sopranos, vampires in True Blood, or a male prostitute on Hung, HBO shows always have a unique perspective. This bad boy should be no different. 'How to Make it in America' is another Mark Walhberg-produced show (new season of Entourage needs to hurry up) about two fashion designers struggling to make it in the cutthroat design world of New York City. It stars a Dear Whoever favorite, KiD CuDi, and should be a good watch for all of you streetwear afficianados out there. Check out the first episode below...