Dear Elin Woods

People wonder why heads used to swear by Eddie Murphy. It's comedy, but it's true...

via The New York Daily News:

It's a high price for silence. Wronged wife Elin Nordegren is trying to club an eye-popping $750 million out of Tiger Woods in their divorce negotiations, according to reports Friday. Woods hasn't agreed yet, but if he does he wants total silence from his soon-to-be ex about the collapse of their marriage - forever, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Nordegren has so far said no to signing a lifetime "confidentiality clause" that would prevent her from writing a book or doing any interviews about the split. She reportedly also wants full custody of their two kids even though it was first thought the couple were going to agree to joint custody.

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against the institution of marriage or the process of divorce, nor am I a woman-hater, as my last post on a broken relationship may have dictated (word to Chris & Rihanna). Please, please, please do not take this post as anything more than it is: an opinion on a ridiculous situation, between people who probably should have never been married. Had the chips fallen in the opposite direction, we would have less of an outrage over it, much less be so divided over the issue. Just read, and enjoy; maybe even laugh at some of the jokes...

Marriage is a mixed bag for 45% of the population. There are ups and downs and everyday has a different struggle, no matter how much the pair love each other. 5% of marriages are damn near perfect, because the people are genuinely matched for one another. That other 50%, end in divorce. Elin, you and Tiger Woods are (or soon will be) part of that 50%. That's not to say that you didn't love each other dearly at some point. It just means that at another point (when the sh*t hit the fan in regards to Tiger's infidelity), you had your differences, which is completely understandable. Honestly, I believe that while Western society is patriarchal on the books and financially, it is slowly becoming matrifocal on the fringes. Women have always been seen as inferior outside of the domestic realm, and the courts prove that in their rulings regarding child custody and alimony. Elin, you were cheated on, repeatedly and in varying degrees and capacities. You deserve a rectifying force in your life to cover the pain, hurt, and embarrassment that this scandal caused you, as well as your family and your kids; just not $750 million worth of rectification. As a matter of fact, you don't deserve even half of that.

In my eyes, Tiger was dead wrong for what he did. However, there is no nuptial mistake worth 3/4 of a billion dollars. You neither helped Tiger acquire any of that money, nor were you a staid presence in his life when he signed those multi-million contracts. You simply hitched on when he fell for you. I could see your point if, at some time Eldrick Woods was a destitute aspiring golfer, and you aided him in building his empire. Hell, I could see your point if you were in any of the commercials or golf tournaments or appearances that made Tiger his fortune. Neither of those are remotely the case.

You see, Elin, your actions after Tiger's infidelity came to the light are fishy to me. After Tiger took his indefinite leave of absence to 'fix his marriage,' you stood by him like a good wife. I didn't agree with it, but I commended it, citing how forgiving you were. Now that Tiger's shown a lot of rust on the links and half of his endorsement deals are dissolved, you want to head for the hills with a $750 million bank. That doesn't seem kosher to me. If you were that salty about Tiger's cheating, wouldn't you have dropped his Blasian behind from the moment that voicemail hit the streets? If his cheating was that egregious, why would you stand by him at a press conference and support him while the media firestorm ate him alive? Why the sudden change of heart? My guess is that you definitely knew about him cheating, but kept it hush and turned the other way because it was convenient. Why rock the boat when you can still be eating in the captain's quarters? I feel like you read 'Golddigging for Dummies' and the light bulb started gleaming in your head. Note, I'm not saying Tiger's actions are right, but it's like you're kicking the man when he's already down, more so than trying to recoup for your 'pain and suffering'. Shouldn't any money you receive from the divorce be solely for the children's welfare? I'm no divorce judge, but that seems like the fairest route for the proceeding. Like I said before, the society we live in has become matrifocal almost to a fault. It's as if we expect men to screw up, so we overcompensate by giving reward where it's undue. Elin, it's not that I think Tiger didn't make a mistake. It just wasn't a $750 million mistake, and you know it...

These guys need to write the manual on prenuptial agreements...

Dear John Edwards

via MSNBC:

For the first time, John Edwards is publicly admitting that he is indeed the father of a 2-year-old daughter conceived with Rielle Hunter, a campaign videographer with whom he had an affair. In a written statement provided exclusively to NBC News, the former North Carolina senator and Democratic presidential candidate says he’s taking responsibility for the child, Frances Quinn Hunter:

“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace.

It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me. I have been providing financial support for Quinn and have reached an agreement with her mother to continue providing support in the future. To all those I have disappointed and hurt these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.”

John, I am soooooo disappointed in you. Not only did you lose a vicious Presidential race a few years ago, but now you're coming out of the wood work with a love child? To tell you the truth, I was ready to just overlook this entire story and chalk it up to the political bullshit that we see every day. But after seeing your nice little statement sent exclusively to NBC, I couldn't help but make light of your plight.

So John, you more or less disavowed any knowledge or responsibility for your love child a few months back, which is detestable in and of itself. You did a pretty good job of hiding it. The problem is, being a politician (or any public figure), you have a team around you working 24/7 to keep all of your dirty laundry from falling out of the hamper. When you do these people wrong or simply aren't on the same terms as them anymore, they have all the more incentive to break out that pair of drawers that aren't your wife's. That's exactly what happened here, John. The only reason you're coming out with this statement is because your former campaign manager is coming out with a book telling everyone what you just admitted. It's pretty sad actually, that you're coming out more to save your own ass than to stand up for your own seed, whom you vehemently denied up to this point. It's also funny that no one is really talking about your fuck-up. I guess when you're black or poor, it's called being a bad father, but when you're a politician, it's just another day of PR. I hope you've listened to Confessions Part 2 a few times, because you're about to be feeling the same way soon...