Dear Philadelphia Youth

Have you guys lost your mind?? I mean really. Did you guys leave your brains somewhere and not remember to find them? It's a sad day when you can't even go out for an evening on the town without being harassed or scared by a group of teenagers. It's an even sadder day when that same group of teenagers grows into a multitude, and instead of simply being, begins looting stores and getting violent, calling themselves a 'flash mob'. Young people of Killadelphia, Pistolvania, let me school you on what a flash mob really is. Check it out:



THAT is a flash mob. In fact, let me define it for you, just so there's no mistake. A flash mob is "is a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and pointless act for a brief time, then quickly disperse." (Wikipedia)

Now, what of what you guys have been doing in the past few weeks is remotely reminiscent of an unusual or pointless act, in which you dispersed quickly? That's right. NOTHING. In essence, you who gathered on South Street were gallivanting around for hours, until you realized you had nothing to do. Then, upon realizing the sheer multitude of you, decided to levy those numbers in a destructive manner, looting stores, causing bedlam and even assaulting a pizza delivery guy or two. Nothing of that is fun, innocent or even cool. Leave it to inner-city youth to turn something novel and funny to passers-by into a special on the 6 o'clock news. Maybe it's the lack of things to do in Philadelphia, or maybe it's the mentality of you young people in the city. Whatever the cause, there's no reason UPenn & Drexel kids should be shook to go to McDonalds, because some Philly kids don't have anywhere to go after school or on weekends. Join a basketball team, go volunteer, go fly a kite, or hell, READ A DAMN BOOK!! If you want to do flash mobs, do one where everyone quotes their favorite philosophers, or does the hokey pokey, or wears a wacky outfit. Do something. ANYTHING!! Just stop giving yourselves reasons to be vilified, when you could really be enriching yourselves. Lord knows there's never any stories about that on the 6 o'clock news...

Did this pizza guy really have to get the business end of a group of misguided teenagers? Get it together, kids...

Dear Diddy

Diddy, Diddy, Diddy, you've long been the culprit of my ire because of your ridiculous penchant for being overly flashy, but this takes the cake (birthday puns haha). Honestly, I've never seen such an unneeded showing of wealth as when I turned on the TV and watched you shower your son with gifts for his 16th birthday. Though, I cant't deny that I would give my children at least one birthday blow out each, there is a limit. There are entirely too many things wrong with they way you're doing this whole parenting thing.

First of all, why in God's name would you ever bless a 16-year-old, who hasn't driven a day in his life, a $400,000 Maybach?!?! It's not like he's got pressing business to attend to on his way to high school, using the wireless. It's not as if he has to have a glass of Ace of Spades on his way to soccer practice. Hell, the Maybach came with a driver! What really was the point?!?! Second of all, what is the deal with all of the conspicuous consumption? What kind of parenting manual were you reading, that told you stuffing a stack full of $20 bills into your child's pocket was the way to show your children love? When you do that, you're basically shouting to the kid in Ebonics: MONEY CAN BUY YOU HAPPINESS!. Also, you're ensuring that your son will never want to do a hard day's work in his life. Third of all, why at the end of the party did you decide to donate $10,000 in Justin's name? That's unbelievable! The car you bought that kid could have fed an entire village, so to make up for it, you shaved off 10 stacks. I suppose when you're that rich and arrogant, helping out by signing your name is the least you can do in the face of overspending and inane celebrity appearances. Like I said, celebrating the triumphs and milestones of your children is a must. It's just when that in and of itself turns into *gasp* an MTV reality show...

Dear John Edwards

via MSNBC:

For the first time, John Edwards is publicly admitting that he is indeed the father of a 2-year-old daughter conceived with Rielle Hunter, a campaign videographer with whom he had an affair. In a written statement provided exclusively to NBC News, the former North Carolina senator and Democratic presidential candidate says he’s taking responsibility for the child, Frances Quinn Hunter:

“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace.

It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me. I have been providing financial support for Quinn and have reached an agreement with her mother to continue providing support in the future. To all those I have disappointed and hurt these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry.”

John, I am soooooo disappointed in you. Not only did you lose a vicious Presidential race a few years ago, but now you're coming out of the wood work with a love child? To tell you the truth, I was ready to just overlook this entire story and chalk it up to the political bullshit that we see every day. But after seeing your nice little statement sent exclusively to NBC, I couldn't help but make light of your plight.

So John, you more or less disavowed any knowledge or responsibility for your love child a few months back, which is detestable in and of itself. You did a pretty good job of hiding it. The problem is, being a politician (or any public figure), you have a team around you working 24/7 to keep all of your dirty laundry from falling out of the hamper. When you do these people wrong or simply aren't on the same terms as them anymore, they have all the more incentive to break out that pair of drawers that aren't your wife's. That's exactly what happened here, John. The only reason you're coming out with this statement is because your former campaign manager is coming out with a book telling everyone what you just admitted. It's pretty sad actually, that you're coming out more to save your own ass than to stand up for your own seed, whom you vehemently denied up to this point. It's also funny that no one is really talking about your fuck-up. I guess when you're black or poor, it's called being a bad father, but when you're a politician, it's just another day of PR. I hope you've listened to Confessions Part 2 a few times, because you're about to be feeling the same way soon...