Dear Future Girlfriend

It only made sense... *bops head*

It's a new year, but the same problems we faced in 2010 are the same ones that'll rear their ugly heads in new and innovative ways. One such issue is that of relationship woes. Relationships are easy to get into, but hard to deal with and much harder to sustain when people don't see eye-to-eye. Even worse is when one partner switches up their standards or backslides into a dangerous romantic state, leaving the other confused and in a one-sided relationship.

That said, I think this year needs to be one of well-defined, yet achievable standards. My future girlfriend, it's time for you to get acquainted to what I want. Often, in this highly matrifocal society, women are afforded the driver's seat in relationships. In my circles, far too many times has the onus been on the man to be patient, accommodating, caring, and understanding, without receiving the same in return, or receiving it half-assedly. It's time to let my needs be known. Future girlfriend, here are my list of (non-sexual) demands requests hopes for you and us:

- You don't have to be interested in the same things as me, but being able to converse on a number of different levels is imperative. Whether it's about rhesus monkeys overtaking the Congolese population, why Sarah Palin needs a muzzle, or whether Julian Assange is a bastion of free speech or a terrorist, have something to talk about other than yourself. If you're good-looking sans personality, it's about as attractive as Hannibal Lecter's plastic surgery patients.

- We need to be honest with one another, not in the sense that we should trade journals and have three-a-day 'honesty' hours. I mean more so in the sense that if something is amiss, you bring it to my attention, rather than waiting for me to ask you.

- Comfort me when I'm down, and I'll do the same. Make me smile and I promise I'll give you a reason to smile every day. Do the opposite, and the romantic pot you piss in will be yanked from right under you. Point. Blank. Period. Relationships are about reciprocation, in feelings and ideology.

- Everyone has emotional baggage. That's just the way romance works. The point of getting into a new relationship is to alleviate the wrongs that your previous partner did and leave the baggage behind, all while making newer, happy memories. If your baggage is too much for you to handle, you should trust me as your significant other to fix what he did.

- Speaking of exes, if you have a recent ex, please please please please, either cut him off or establish your own boundary for acceptable contact. Your ex is your ex for a reason. If he's still in your life (and you still visualize the two of you together), that leaves the door open for a gang of misunderstandings and arguments for us. I wouldn't say I'm the jealous type, but my Spider senses tingle when I see you keeping him around.

- I don't care about your monetary, employment or educational status as long as you're constantly and gainfully working toward something. I know I can get into ruts of slacker-dom, as do many of my peers. At the same time, there's no excuse to be completely stagnant. Have a plan or an idea or... SOMETHING!

- Infidelity is punishable by getting cut off completely. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You want to get all 60's on me and experience 'free love'? Get on Craigslist's casual encounters and leave me out of your menagerie of sexual exploits. At this age, monogamy is the name of the game. Two players, and we all win... Any more than that is a crowd and a headache.

- Last, but not least, if it doesn't feel right, let's take a step back. We shouldn't invest in something we're not sure about. There's nothing more backwards than jumping headfirst without surveying the landing, though I'm guilty of it as much as the next. Moderation at the beginning is a virtue. If we're not on the same page, let's hold our heads until the dust settles.

To all you budding feminists reading this saying 'Who does he think he is?' and 'No woman is there to be your personal footstool!', consider this: If you were to begin a relationship and a man were to eschew any of these edicts, would you still want to be with him? Better yet, if a man were to do all these and more, would there be any issue? This letter isn't a list of exhaustive demands I have for you, future girlfriend. The list is simply retorts to problems I've faced in relationships and hopefully a viewing window into what I think should be tenets of a healthy relationship. Misunderstandings are natural in romance; that goes without saying. Yet, the little amount and discordant manner of dialogue between the sexes illustrates how little we're willing to understand one another. So, to my future girlfriend, let's build on a foundation of understanding, not hot air and sparks. It'll be well worth the effort on both sides.

Dear Cuffing Season

BAGGGGGGGGGED IT...

What's up people? I haven't written a 'general' letter in... let's just say a while (check my college posts). By general letter, I mean a letter directed at an entire population. They're more advice and my take on things happening in my world and probably your world too. This one is dedicated to the time of year we call 'cuffing season'. Yes that's right. Everyone's ready to get their spring fever on, but we've got to lay some laws down so that there isn't an Icelandic ash cloud's worth of drama and BS to deal with by the time September rolls around...

1. First of all, I don't think any specific season should be 'cuffing season' or whatever you want to call it. Pimpmanship doesn't have an offseason, and neither should you. The people that talk about there being a cuffing season are either adding new prospects to their roster at an exponential rate (means you're getting a lot of fringe prospects) or not getting any action at all. That doesn't bode well for people like me, interested in being the happy middle ground, rather than a gross deviation. Regardless, keep your eyes open at all times, not just spring. You'll see more people that catch your eye and will be better off discerning what you want and don't, which brings me to the second point.

2. If you do subscribe to the idea of a season for cuffing, more power to you. That said, you shouldn't jump in headfirst or hit the ground running for your springtime exploits. Nothing is worse than an overly thirsty person who is overly excited to bag something up for the spring. Not only will any potential targets see that, and run for the hills, you'll probably end up going for someone that you won't be too happy with after the summer winds down. Like Fat Joe says, 'Slow down, son, you're killin em.' No seriously, doing too much in the romantic realm never does the trick. Cuffing season is no different.

3. This one is more directed at the ladies, though dudes can take heed as well. The springtime and its beautiful weather is no time to start flaunting all the curves that only darkness should touch. Seriously. Yeah, you've been in the gym all winter, getting your beach body ready and shaving off those extra pounds from all those late night 7-11 runs and extra handles of (insert liquor). That isn't a green light to come outside with two bandaids and a cork screw covering your essentials. No one likes seeing more than they need to. Take a hint. There's a difference between being sexy for spring and having too much confidence for too few clothes. It'll make you more attractive in the long run if you're beauty is conservatively veiled rather than a buffet platter at a $5 Chinese place.

4. Going off #3, keep what you do have tight and fresh. Upgrade your wardrobe, try out a new haircut, a new style or something. Also, keep yourself well groomed and hygienic. There's nothing worse than a person who doesn't know how to take care of themselves during the hotter months. Follicular and epidermal faux pas tend to happen and stick out more during the summer because the heat amplified EVERYTHING. Body odor will increase tenfold. Hair will turn into Brillo (for black people, at least). Clothes and skin will change color because of the sun hitting them. People have breathing problems due to the humidity. Whatever the bane of your physical appearance, take strides to keep them under control, so that they don't control your summer.

5. Now that you're all primped up and fresh out the box (whatever phrase you wanna use), make sure you don't go around thinking because it's 'cuffing season' you can talk to the opposite sex any old type of way. Just because the weather is nice, doesn't mean you can't be. Lose the lame lines, 'swagger' talk, and braggodocious thoughts for some respect, actual conversation and getting to know the person. Sure, you won't be knocking boots down all summer, but it's better than finding out in August that the person didn't even find you remotely interesting, much less that it wasn't their real name. Think chivalry and charm rather than game and G. Those do the trick much better in the long run and, if done right, can have just as many joints knocking at your door by summer's end. They'll probably be a lot more worth your time too.

6. Would you, as a Roman gladiator (or Zulu warrior, or whatever) run up into battle without your armor? I hope not, because you would be the first dead on Spartacus. The point is, any dirt you do end up doing, be safe. Use protection and keep your warrior out of harm's way. Point. Blank. Period.

7. Take advantage of all of the resources available in your city, town, municipality, principality, fief or what have you. Spring and summer are notorious for shenanigans and events popping off EVERYWHERE. Not only do random concerts, jam sessions, festivals, carnivals, parades, etc., make for great outdoor fun, they are cheap as hell when thinking about an activity to do with a summer significant other. I know too many heads who break their personal banks when it comes to dating. Do yourself a favor, and do some research. You'll probably have a better time, and so will your wallet.

8. Remember to have fun!! Courtship, flirting and all variants are more about the journey than the destination. No significant other is above getting dropped to the curb if another is pulling their weight better. As it stands, people take their romantic lives too seriously at our age. If you're under 25, CHILL. We've got the rest of our lives to find soulmates. Might as well enjoy the weather while you're searching...

There you have it people. 8 rules that'll have you cuffed and booed up in no time, if you want, that is. Even if you don't believe in cuffing season, by no means should you take my word for proof. Get outside, find a spot to post up, grab an icee from the Mr. Softee truck and try your luck with the opposite sex. If you don't end up cuffin, at least you'll have had a good time trying...

Had this song in mind the entire time I was writing the post. Only seems fit for the summer...