Dear Dez Bryant (re: Sagging Pants)

I'm gonna guess Dez was in the middle of the spectrum...

via NewsOK

Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant was ejected from an upscale Dallas shopping mall after a dispute over the sagging pants worn by him and some companions.

A Tuesday police statement says officers working off-duty Saturday as security at NorthPark Center encountered Bryant and three companions wearing the drooping pants.

According to the statement, when the officers asked the four to pull up their trousers, Bryant launched into a profanity-laced tirade that prompted the officers to escort the four from the mall.

Let's do a re-enactment, for old times sake!

-START RE-ENACTMENT-

- Enter any public venue, be it a mall, restaurant, AIDS clinic or what have you -

Security guard (probably white): Hey, you! Pull those pants up or you're out of here!!

Minority youth 1 (with sagging pants): I know you're not looking at me. I know my rights and you can't tell me anything about my apparel. *proceeds to continue discussion with friends about Libyan missile strike*

- Security guard walks away feeling silly and goes to bust teenagers riding escalators the wrong way -

-END RE-ENACTMENT-

 That re-enactment is how the above news story probably should have gone. Then again, this is the real world, not the ideal world where people handle situations with grace. I've always been of the school of thought that no one should or can tell you how to wear your clothes. For any legislative body to try and regulate how a man decides to wear his pants is an egregious violation of civil liberties. It's like telling a woman not to wear a tramp stamp or telling a redneck to cut his mullet off. How can you enact a law or enforce a regulation on a person's physical appearance? Regardless, Dez, you know you f*cked up right?

Dez, I am all for self-expression, and could care less about what you wear, but your sponsors and the media sure as hell do. When White America and their ultra-discerning eye looks upon black youth, they don't see the upstanding young men and women in college or the work force adding to the economy. They see you and your Merry Band of N*ggers, tattoos emblazoned on your bodies, adorning garrulous jewels, mouths agape with profanities and pants scraping the earth with your designer boxers and belts showing. That you represent the spectrum of black youth unable to contain themselves is indicative of your own immaturity and ultimately casts a shadow on the rest of us. Even if one of us does choose to sag his pants, AND responds to a challenge with an educated retort, we probably will get the same treatment, simply because we're lumped in with you.

Yes, the police officer (whose pants probably were up to his armpits) was probably overstepping his boundaries in his request. At the same time, you could have definitely handled it in a better way. How about letting the man catch a glimpse of your Black Card, or carrying a highlight reel of your rookie year, or handing him a card for your lawyer? Or better yet, engaging him in a battle of wits on the merits of individuality and the cultural divide between black youth and White America? Any way you parsed it, NOT cursing him out would definitely be a better course of action. At the end of the day, this probably won't make you bat an eye because you've got enough money to where it doesn't matter what mall you shop at. But for the rest of our sakes, try and find a different mode of rebellion other than anger. It will make for a better story and a stupid-looking security guard, rather than another news piece about 'those n*ggers'...

Dear Vince Young

Dude, did you not learn anything from your former teammate Pacman 'It is tricking if there are a bunch of dudes grilling you' Jones? I mean, I thought after a year on the bench and an alleged suicide attempt, you would have begun to get the rest of your life in order, not be at strip clubs causing fights. One of the things I despise about most athletes is their utter disregard for precedent. Over the past 10 or so years, athletes in almost every major sport have been caught up in the wrong crowds at the wrong places at the wrong times. Most often, the wrong crowds are the hood-ass childhood friends that the athlete refuses to stop catering to, the wrong places are clubs (more often strip clubs), and the wrong times are late at night (then again, who goes to a strip club in the afternoon?). Vince, I'm sure you watch enough SportsCenter. What part about athletes getting into trouble do you not get? Every year, I think that players are getting a bit smarter about their decisions, and every year, I'm proven wrong by another ridiculously retarded happening.

Vince, what were you doing in the strip club back office in the first place? Unless you're pulling a Tony Soprano and checking up on business, you had no business in there. Second of all, you've got to be a real idiot to start a fight at a strip club. In addition to there being cameras EVERYWHERE, there is a host of men just as burly and corn-fed as you. Their job isn't to cater to a prima donna athlete who's making it rain in the club. Their job is to make sure that prima donna athlete doesn't cause Trillville & Lil' Jon-esque riot in the club. By entering that back room, you did nothing but make their job easier. In fact, you pretty much guaranteed that you would be incriminated. Any man tricking off in the club garners attention, and you're no different. I suppose coming off a miracle season, you'd think anything is possible. Not so, Vince. It stands to say that we still don't know all of the facts surrounding your brawl, but the video tells more truth than you can at this point. I guess the fact that the Titans already know about the incident is good. Even so, that won't erase a tarnished image, and it certainly won't erase Roger Goodell's foot aiming straight for your rear end (somehow I think you're going to end up worse off than Big Ben). Vince, don't get me wrong. I love watching you play. You're a winner on the field. But off the field (and in the Wonderlic tests), much is left to be desired...

Dear Roger Goodell

Nothing worse than a commissioner with double standards...

Roger, let's tell a story called 'A Tale of Two Quarterbacks'. As you may have guessed, the story is about two quarterbacks. No names will be used for the story. Here goes:

Once upon a time, there was a quarterback. He was the highest paid QB in the league, had a $100 million contract with his team, and was widely considered the most electrifying player in the league. Then one day, that all came to an end. The quarterback's friends royally f*cked up and made the QB a national headline because of a dog-fighting ring. Before he could even go to trial, or even be convicted of a crime, the quarterback was nationally berated by animal rights groups, bored stay-at-home mothers and even his own team's fans. The quarterback ended up losing the $100 million contract, all of his endorsements and then getting put in jail, on top of being suspended by the big, bad NFL commissioner.

Three years later, there lived another quarterback. He was another very popular QB in the league, having won two Super Bowls. The QB wasn't the sharpest tack in the box, and had some off the field problems with drinking, as well as almost killing himself by riding a motorcycle with no helmet or motorcycle license. Later on, the quarterback would be implicated in a sexual assault against a 20-year-old college student in Georgia (what he was doing in GA, I have no clue). That same big, bad commissioner would go on to say that he would like to 'sit down and talk' to the QB, not ruin his life like he did the first QB. In fact, the commissioner has yet to take any action against the quarterback. THE END.

Now, Roger, I hope the characters in the story sounded a bit familiar to you. Why is that, you ask? Because the big, bad commissioner is you, and the two quarterbacks are Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger. Roger, your failure to administer more than a pre-emptive warning (that's what it is at this point) to Roethlisberger is detestable. You took away the career of Michael Vick (yeah, he's back, but we don't know how long that'll last) over some dogs that he probably had no hand in killing, BEFORE he even was tried or convicted. You suspended him when there were simply allegations, but when Ben Roethlisberger allegedly rapes a chick, he gets a slap on the wrist. Since when is the life of a dog more important than the livelihood of a human, Roger? As a matter of fact, since when has preemptive suspension been a protocol of the NFL?? It doesn't make sense, nor is it remotely fair. No, I won't go as far as to say that the disciplinary actions of the NFL are 'racist,' but you have to admit, Pac-Man Jones got a pretty raw deal too. It seems like you had the bias of all biases while dealing with Big Ben, and I for one see right through it. It's not enough to uphold double standards, and call yourself a fair commissioner. Seriously, Roger, you can't have your stars and eat them too. No player should be above the law, and you shouldn't need a fairy tale to show you that...

What kind of role model is this???

Dear Outspoken Black Baseball Players

That microphone is as dangerous as a bat in your hands...

Yeah, that's a hell of a title, but I couldn't put it anymore concisely. You see, when you're writing, there's space to really think about what you want to say and to craft it differently if it might be misconstrued. As a writer, it's hilarious seeing people try to speak profoundly, only to have their comments spun into something disrespectful or controversial. Such is the case with two black baseball players, Milton Bradley of the Seattle Mariners and Torii Hunter of the Anaheim Angels. Both players, of the African-American diaspora were quoted in the past week as follows:

Torii Hunter via USA Today:

"People see dark faces out there, and the perception is that they're African American," Los Angeles Angels center fielder Torii Hunter says. "They're not us. They're impostors.

"Even people I know come up and say, 'Hey, what color is Vladimir Guerrero? Is he a black player?' I say, 'Come on, he's Dominican. He's not black.'"

"As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us," Hunter says. "It's like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It's like, 'Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?'

Now Torii, I hope you were wondering where the hell your publicist was after this interview, because you more or less just guaranteed that you'd be getting the side-eye from every dark-skinned Hispanic player in the MLB. I understand that you're upset because black players aren't properly represented in the L. Even so, was it really you're place to comment on it? As a matter of fact, will it ever be? You're an MLB player, Torii, not an athletic anthropologist specializing in baseball. Your job is to hit the ball over the fence and catch the ball when it comes to you; nothing more, nothing less. Learn to keep your underlying idiosyncrasies and bigoted (yes, it's considered bigotry even by a black person) under your hat. The media will take your comments out of context (hence the 10 million hits for 'Torii Hunter impostor' on Google) and you will get branded as the 'Angry Black Man,' as most black athletes do at some point. If you're going to criticize anything, criticize the teams for not taking chances on black players. Just don't do it like your homie Milton Bradley...

Milton Bradley via ESPN:

"I was a prisoner in my own home. I pretty much stayed at home, ordered in every day, never went anywhere."

"Well, I mean unless you go out there and you're Superman -- you're Andre Dawson, you're Ernie Banks, you're in the Hall of Fame -- then it's going to be tough," Bradley said. "People are just the way they are.

"When you get paid a lot of money to play this game, they expect miracles. And when you don't go out there and perform like that, then people don't like it. People don't want to see a guy that's brash and cocky and a little arrogant and kind of does his own thing making a lot of money. They were like, 'He doesn't deserve that.'"

Milton Bradley... Along with having the funniest name in baseball (I'm guessing your parents never played board games), you have a serious knack for being a hothead on whatever team you happen to be on. Last year with the Cubs was forgettable to say the least. You had the lowest averages of your career since 2002, and were heavily criticized for how much of a headcase you were. Now, I realize the Chicago Cubs fans are a tough bunch, but at the end of the day, THEY ARE PAYING YOUR SALARY. The booing and comments when you are out on the town should be expected. If you don't want the criticism, retire and open up an overrated restaurant. The hate mail is concerning, but should it really affect you that much? If it got to the point where there were physical threats being made, maybe your case holds some water. Aside from that, it just seems like you're bitching about the treatment you think you should be getting. Newsflash, Milton: You have to earn respect, not perform terribly and get mad when you get booed. It just so happens that you did the latter, and now you're mad. Boo-hoo. Take that other $20 million still on your contract and buy yourself a damn psychologist if it's that serious...

Now, I realize this letter might be somewhat of a shot in the arm for some of you guys, but it needs to be said: WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Every press interview should be treated like a meeting with a court liaison, save the fact that you won't go to jail for your words. As a black athlete, your words are put under the ILLEST of microscopes, regardless of how you mean them. The media are, and always have been vultures. Make sure your words don't become food for them...