Dear Professional Baseball

DISCLAIMER: Before all of you baseball purists and 'America's Pastime' thumpers come and turn a Baseball Fury (100 e-points if you get that reference) on me, just know that I do watch baseball, and quite often in fact. I've just grown weary of summers dominated by baseball. It's as if the rest of the sports world takes summers off and we're stuck with an old, traditionalist of a sport. Check out these reasons for why professional baseball grinds my gears...

What about this was really exciting? #shoutout to the homie @JRSportBrief


1. Home runs suck. Don't deny it. Home runs are the most pointless highlight to ever flash before my TV screen. There's nothing particularly special about any particular home run, other than the fact that it clears the fence. Home runs are the same, every single time. It's a mystery to me as to why they even require the hitter to circle the bases. Doesn't the home run count as soon as it goes over the fence? Whatever the case, the crown jewel of the sport of baseball has grown less and less impressive as I've gotten older. And with the steroids era not yet in our rearview mirror, its still hard to give the nod to the home run's validity. Don't get me wrong. The feat of blasting a ball that far is impressive... But after seeing it once, I think the wow-factor wears off...

2. There's no parity in professional baseball. And that is coming from a born Yankees fan. As a betting man, there really is no reason to bet on baseball (sorry Pete Rose) considering the same teams are always winning, give or take a few that are declining. The lack of a salary cap has essentially made the MLB two leagues: the Haves and Have-nots, not the AL and NL. Squads like the Yankees, Phillies, Red Sox, Angels, Dodgers, White Sox, Braves and Mets are continuously the cream of the crop, while teams like the Royals, Astros, Padres, Pirates, Athletics, Indians and Orioles are always bottom-dwellers. Even when those sucky teams manage to find a diamond in the rough of a player, he gets scooped up by one of the bigger teams because his original squad can't afford him. It's almost hilarious, because you have to wonder why those small-market teams even try anymore. Professional baseball has no appeal because there's never any chance of one of the lesser teams making a run, or even improving enough each year to challenge one of the big teams...

3. Can anyone tell me what the manager of a baseball team does? Seriously... I want to know, because every time I see a shot of the manager on TV, he's either speaking to one of the coaches under him, sitting down looking disinterested (probably eating sunflower seeds), or yelling at an umpire. Oh yeah... and he gets up in the dugout only to call the bullpen. Other than that we see him making signals and staring off into space. Sounds like one hell of a job. And what's with the manager having to wear the uniforms as well? Most of those guys don't look as though they've lifted a weight in decades. Why would you want them squeezing themselves into those near skintight pants and jerseys? All in all, the idea of a baseball manager boggles my mind. The permanence of that position will never make sense...

4. The game takes is too long and too slow. I've yet to sit down in front of a television and watch an entire baseball game, from first pitch to the last out. Nor do I know many people who can, unless they're at the game life. To do so would be nearing brutality. Between the commercials in between innings and pitching changes, and the time between actual pitches, baseball is a sport made for time wasting and lazy people. That's especially considering how little actual play is going on when they do play. It takes over 3 and a half hours for one baseball game to be over, when there might be 45 minutes of actual playing. And then the 7th inning stretch? What exactly are they stretching from? When you're not batting, you're in the dugout clowning around with your teammates. And when you're in the field 9/10 of the time, you're just standing there hoping for the ball to get hit into play near your area. The result of this is a long-winded, low-action, BORING game...

EDIT: Add to that, the fact that the baseball season is 162 games long. 162 games!!!!! That means 4,860 4-hour games, which is a number I don't even want to attempt to multiply. A long season of long games equal bored fans, which explains why the postseason is so short. It seems like the MLB has it backwards. But hey, who am I to judge?

There couldn't be a more accurate picture in all of the internets...


5. Baseball is just active enough to be called a sport, but is too lazy to be up there with basketball, football, hockey and soccer. As I said in previous points, you really don't have a lot of on-field action, except when the ball is in play. That lends itself to a lot of baseball players being on the less athletic side. But has anyone ever taken a look at some pitchers and designated hitters? Do the names David Wells, Prince Fielder, Mo Vaughn, Carlos Zambrano or David Ortiz ring any bells? If they don't then just picture a fat man wielding a baseball bat or pitching a baseball, and you've got the gist. Seriously, baseball is the only sport where you can be legitimately FAT and still play. Never mind football where even the heftiest of lineman can run the 40 in under 5 seconds. I'd be surprised if any of the guys I listed above can run to the bathroom in under 5 seconds. Baseball just lends itself to being unathletic, yet very athletic in certain capacities, which makes me question it as a sport...

6. The rules in baseball are completely fudged. Only in the MLB can you hit a home run in one park and not hit one in another. Only in the MLB are the fences different heights in different stadiums or the outfields different areas. Only in the MLB is video-evidence eschewed because of the umpire's cataract-filled discerning eye. And only in the MLB do we have different rules for different leagues. Seriously, can baseball get its own rules down pat? How can you allow the designated hitter in the AL and not the NL or vice versa? Shouldn't there be some sort of standard for how the game is played at the professional level? How do I explain that concept to someone who's never watched baseball before (ie: the rest of the developing world sans Latin America & Japan)? I don't think I possess the words to do so, nor should I have to. Professional baseball seems more like a loose affiliation of leagues more than one entity because of these differences, and it takes away from the integrity of the game. Then again, everyone lied about steroids. Baseball doesn't have a lot of integrity to fall back on anyway...

Dear Ken Griffey Jr.

I don't see any of these roid-raged out players doing anything like this!!

It's never been cool for black kids to play baseball. Yeah, there were Little League teams all over the place and everyone went to Modell's to get their gloves and baseball bats. Sure, the MLB is trying to ramp up their initiatives to offer baseball in minority neighborhoods. At the same time, I've yet to hear a young black kid say 'I want to play baseball when I grown up'. It's always something to the tune of basketball player, football player, rapper or any profession offering a hefty paycheck. You could blame the lack of interest on a number of things: cost of equipment, lack of space for baseball fields, etc. But there's one reason, to me that makes minority kids not be as interested in baseball: no identifiable role models. When you name the top 10, 20, or however many best baseball players, how many of them are black and of American (rather than Hispanic) descent? I can name a bunch of black baseball players, but besides Jimmy Rollins & Ryan Howard, who of them are household names? This is why you were so important Ken.

Junior (crazy that I can call someone else that), in your heyday you were probably the most recognizable face in baseball. Between winning the 1997 American League MVP, blasting the best home run (home runs aren't that impressive; sorry...) I've ever seen, and trying to follow in your father's footsteps, your career just oozed greatness and integrity. You made it cool to like baseball, wearing backwards caps at a time when such a fashion statement could be seen as gang-related. Hell, you made baseball sneakers a fashion statement! (word to Ron & Yusuf with their Griffeys) I think what impresses me the most about you is that in the era of baseball players juicing left and right, you accomplished every feat on the diamond without so much as touching a needle. In this day and age, when all of the greats from the 90's and early 2000's are shuffling, trying to cover up their steroid use, you're cleaner than baby's bottom. Where other baseball players were in court lying their asses off, you were chilling, probably practicing rather than taking shortcuts. In my eyes, that's a role model for young black kids. That's reason enough to like you.

It's funny that I wasn't sports conscious enough at the beginning of your career, but still recognize your name and the impact that you had on the game. It's the same way that kids today have never seen Michael Jordan play basketball, but know immediately who he is and how he changed the game (overpriced sneakers et. al.). I'm not sure that your legacy will be comparable (honestly, who really is messing with MJ's reach?). Even so, on the baseball diamond, where black players have lost the enigmatic aura that guys like Willie Mays, Hank Aaron & Reggie Jackson had, you'll forever be remembered as the golden boy of this era. Happy retirement, Junior...

Come on, son... The charisma was incredible

Dear Outspoken Black Baseball Players

That microphone is as dangerous as a bat in your hands...

Yeah, that's a hell of a title, but I couldn't put it anymore concisely. You see, when you're writing, there's space to really think about what you want to say and to craft it differently if it might be misconstrued. As a writer, it's hilarious seeing people try to speak profoundly, only to have their comments spun into something disrespectful or controversial. Such is the case with two black baseball players, Milton Bradley of the Seattle Mariners and Torii Hunter of the Anaheim Angels. Both players, of the African-American diaspora were quoted in the past week as follows:

Torii Hunter via USA Today:

"People see dark faces out there, and the perception is that they're African American," Los Angeles Angels center fielder Torii Hunter says. "They're not us. They're impostors.

"Even people I know come up and say, 'Hey, what color is Vladimir Guerrero? Is he a black player?' I say, 'Come on, he's Dominican. He's not black.'"

"As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us," Hunter says. "It's like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It's like, 'Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?'

Now Torii, I hope you were wondering where the hell your publicist was after this interview, because you more or less just guaranteed that you'd be getting the side-eye from every dark-skinned Hispanic player in the MLB. I understand that you're upset because black players aren't properly represented in the L. Even so, was it really you're place to comment on it? As a matter of fact, will it ever be? You're an MLB player, Torii, not an athletic anthropologist specializing in baseball. Your job is to hit the ball over the fence and catch the ball when it comes to you; nothing more, nothing less. Learn to keep your underlying idiosyncrasies and bigoted (yes, it's considered bigotry even by a black person) under your hat. The media will take your comments out of context (hence the 10 million hits for 'Torii Hunter impostor' on Google) and you will get branded as the 'Angry Black Man,' as most black athletes do at some point. If you're going to criticize anything, criticize the teams for not taking chances on black players. Just don't do it like your homie Milton Bradley...

Milton Bradley via ESPN:

"I was a prisoner in my own home. I pretty much stayed at home, ordered in every day, never went anywhere."

"Well, I mean unless you go out there and you're Superman -- you're Andre Dawson, you're Ernie Banks, you're in the Hall of Fame -- then it's going to be tough," Bradley said. "People are just the way they are.

"When you get paid a lot of money to play this game, they expect miracles. And when you don't go out there and perform like that, then people don't like it. People don't want to see a guy that's brash and cocky and a little arrogant and kind of does his own thing making a lot of money. They were like, 'He doesn't deserve that.'"

Milton Bradley... Along with having the funniest name in baseball (I'm guessing your parents never played board games), you have a serious knack for being a hothead on whatever team you happen to be on. Last year with the Cubs was forgettable to say the least. You had the lowest averages of your career since 2002, and were heavily criticized for how much of a headcase you were. Now, I realize the Chicago Cubs fans are a tough bunch, but at the end of the day, THEY ARE PAYING YOUR SALARY. The booing and comments when you are out on the town should be expected. If you don't want the criticism, retire and open up an overrated restaurant. The hate mail is concerning, but should it really affect you that much? If it got to the point where there were physical threats being made, maybe your case holds some water. Aside from that, it just seems like you're bitching about the treatment you think you should be getting. Newsflash, Milton: You have to earn respect, not perform terribly and get mad when you get booed. It just so happens that you did the latter, and now you're mad. Boo-hoo. Take that other $20 million still on your contract and buy yourself a damn psychologist if it's that serious...

Now, I realize this letter might be somewhat of a shot in the arm for some of you guys, but it needs to be said: WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Every press interview should be treated like a meeting with a court liaison, save the fact that you won't go to jail for your words. As a black athlete, your words are put under the ILLEST of microscopes, regardless of how you mean them. The media are, and always have been vultures. Make sure your words don't become food for them...

Dear Philadelphia

I find it funny that I'm writing this letter whilst in Philadelphia. By now, oh great City of Brotherly Love, you've probably watched SportsCenter, read a newspaper, heard the radio or seen online that the Yankees are going to be facing you in the World Series. You guys are hyped, because you think it's going to be Repeat City. I can't blame you. The Dodgers posed no threat to the Phillies during the NLCS, so it's easy to think you'll walk all over the Yankees. I will say, that the Yankees faced a much tougher challenge in the AL, given the pitching and tougher hitting. There's no reason to gloat over who's team is better (though we all know who reigns supreme). There's no reason to bash anyone else's team. Just know that if the Yankees win, Yankees fitteds will be in full effect, just as I expect the opposite if the Phillies win. This figures to be a great World Series, considering the storyline. The media is going to kill us with coverage of it and we're going to watch it just the same. All I can ask for is a good series and pray that none of you crazed Phillies fans out there feel the need to riot after the Yankees do win (there I said it; sue me). Here's a video that should put you in the World Series mood...

Watch out for those close games..