Dear Lil' B (re: 'I'm Gay')

Upon reading my last post, I think I raised too many questions and didn't answer enough for myself. I suppose the post was more a rant and forum for discussion, as opposed to some declaration of my stance on homosexuality. Either way, the post got me to thinking: what if a rapper was, indeed, gay? What if an MC decided to shake up the whole world by coming out of the closet? What if everyone's favorite Based God decided to ummm... I don't know... name his album 'I'm Gay'? It turns out I don't have to dream or wonder about such a hypothetical situation anymore, seeing as you, Lil' B the Based God have announced that your new album will be called 'I'm Gay'.



Now, Lil' B, I've had an interesting relationship with your basedness. While saying 'swag' and 'based' and doing your 'Cooking' dance in complete jest, I've come to realize that your movement is less about the music, the 'swag' and the utter nonsense, as it is about the fervent feeling of fanaticism that your Based movement brings. Throngs of skinny jean-clad onlookers chant your lyrics, and encourage you to engage in coitus with their significant others not because they actually consider you a god, but because you give them a deity-like entity to feel attached to. In the same way that Hendrix and the Beatles had fanatics, so do you. I respect that. I respect your undying devotion to self-promotion and making music. While I may debate your own musical aptitude (some of your music sounds like you were smoking the best base while recording), I can never question your love of music, with allusions to Theophilus London among other acclaimed musical personalities. Now that your fame has reached a fever pitch among the underground, what better way to put your name on the front of everyone's watch list than to proclaim your 'gayness' on wax?

Most people reacted to the title with a resounding 'huh?', which then switched to

A) ridicule at the notion that the Based God, whose sole purpose on the planet is to f*ck your b*tch, would effectively proclaim his love of his own sex

OR

B) praise because of how 'bold' a statement calling your album that is, and how you're changing the game, one homosexual at a time...

My take, Lil' B? You're as straight as an arrow. I'm almost 99% sure about that, sans the Tupac nose ring. That said, you calling your album that is exactly what you said: an indictment on the power that words have over us. You claimed that definitions don't mean anything, ironically. Words can make the tallest mountain look like a molehill, and in your case, they will make what would probably have been a frisbee of an album into platinum. Nothing more, nothing less. You being 'gay' is as much a promotional tool as it is a statement of how obsessed hip-hop is with sexuality. That we all are talking about it as a function of sexuality proves that point. And when your gay album does come to pass, I have little doubt in my mind that it will be the same Based God that we've gotten used to, complete with indecipherable lyrics, monotonous profanity and reasons as to why hoes are staid upon your d*ck. And I have even less doubt that you will be gayer (happy gay) than the apparel we don while singing "Fa-la-la-la-LAAA-La-la-la-la" after your gay album drops. You will have successfully pulled a marketing scheme out of your rear end, while simultaneously arousing the attention of GLAAD and chuckling because Kobe Bryant won't be able to mutter gay slurs. Kudos, Lil' B. #SWAG

Dear Big Sean

Anyone ever see the movie 'Boys Don't Cry' with Hilary Swank? For those of you less cinematically-inclined readers, the film is about a non-operative transgender woman in Nebraska who takes on the persona of a man, and later gets beaten and raped. Vicious imagery aside, the title is what I have to take away. Boys don't cry. And they damn sure don't cry if they're rappers, do they? Rap is supposed to be all about machismo and being a braggadocious male. You can't show emotion in hip-hop if it isn't anger, misogyny or hopelessness! Real rappers don't cry! You can't shed a tear unless either A) your mother, B) your child, or C) one of your homies dies. The opposite, the increasing vulnerability of rappers (let's leave Drake out of this) why the above video is so huge to me, Sean.

I'll admit it, Sean. Your music, while vapid and repetitive at times, is catchy and easy to listen to. That explains why you have so many fans. I get that. What I didn't know is how ingratiated you were to your fans' whims in that video. No rapper over the past few years has been comfortable enough with the supposed masculinity that comes standard with hip-hop, to display their emotions so openly. Rappers are so focused on their egos that they forget how easily they can be destroyed. Sean, take a look at all of the rappers you've known. *waits* How many of those SOB's are either working at Safeway, trapping, or putting out their 15th mixtape to 15 downloads (14 of which were family)? How many rappers have had a hit record, only to be back in the soup kitchen months later? How many rappers have you seen here today and gone tomorrow, without a bat of an eyelash? *waits* My guess is that you lost count before I even finished the question.

Sean, the point here is that you clearly have reached a level of stardom that belies your talent, AND you haven't let it turn you into a Heartless (word to Kingdom Hearts). That you can be vulnerable with your fans shows just how much you appreciate the fame that has fallen in your lap. Regardless of your content, you're in hip-hop for the right reasons. Forget being cool! If every rapper had could show this type of emotion, I shudder to think how powerful hip-hop as a collective would be. Sean, you've made this tour of stardom your own personal party, and you can cry if you want to. Just don't go all DMX on us and... Yeah, let's not get on that either...

Hip-Hop's Basketball Team

Basketball and hip-hop culture are damn near brothers cousins... Well, they're just related, very closely. Since the late 1980's hip-hop lore has laced the hardwood through players, teams, the gear that those entities wore and the music going along with them all. Movies like White Men Can't Jump, Above the Rim, Hoop Dreams, He Got Game (and sadly Like Mike) feature hip-hop music and culture centered around hoops. Rappers and ball-players have notable friendships and romantic relationships (RIP Trina and Kenyon Martin). Ballers like Shaq, Allen Iverson and sadly Kobe Bryant ventured into hip-hop, attempting to capitalize on their fame in the opposite arena. But what about rappers who try their hand at basketball? Dear Whoever now examines those (literally) crossover artists, putting together a team of the best rappers ternt ballers, and who would make the cut on hip-hop's basketball team. Who did I miss? Would your squad be able to go up against mine?

Honorable Mentions:
Mike Jones
Slim Thug
Nelly
Lil' Flip

Cam'Ron & Ma$e


We all know Cam and Ma$e from their days rapping together as a part of the Harlem collective 'Children of the Corn'. Little do most people know that Killa Cam and Murda Ma$e didn't meet through rap, but because they were childhood buddies that played basketball together in high school. In this clip, you see Cam putting on a show for a high school championship game, with Ma$e making a cameo. If I had to start a team, Cam would have to be the point guard and main playmaker with the way he gets into the lane and finishes...


The Game and Snoop Dogg


California, and most notably, Los Angeles are a hot bed for rap and basketball talent. Brandon Jennings and Jrue Holiday aren't the only ones making knees buckle, though. Uncle Snoop and his nephew the Game both draw crowds whenever the step onto the hardwood (pause). The Cali duo do some damage against one another in this charity tournament. Snoop wows the crowd with some well placed handles, while the Game takes athleticism into his game, doing some high-flying layups and put backs. Sure, Snoop is older than basketball and Game brings little else to the table, but every squad needs role-players...

Jadakiss


Al-Quaeda Jada is already hoops-famous in my book for his forays into basketball stardom with Allen Iverson in the early 2000s (two of my favorite basketball commercials here and here). But who knew the Yonkers representative could ball like this? And at an actual tournament to boot? Jada makes some quick fans here, balling out of control with Nate Robinson on his team. How does A-HCHAAAAAAHHH!! *Jadakiss voice* sound as a team battle cry?

Joell Ortiz


Joell Ortiz is a heavyweight on the mic. That's no secret. Being a heavyweight on the court doesn't always make for good basketball though. Joell disproves that notion in this video, putting the shakes on a few unlucky cats who thought it would be hilarious to see the Brooklyn MC take on the roundball. Joell shows he knows how to pull off the pick-and-roll seamlessly, driving to the net and LeBron-ing some hooper straight into a chorus of OOOOOOOHHHHHH's. Any man that can control his weight in motion like that can definitely be on Dear Whoever's squad.

Chris Brown


Okay, so Chris Breezy isn't a rapper. He's as likely to get killed in a verse than he is in domestic abuse court (is it too early to make jokes about that?). That doesn't mean that the R&B swooner can't hold his own up against some of And 1's best. And that he does, crossing up one of the streetballers for a nice layup... Only to get the ball stripped when he tries to pull off a next level move. That's okay for Chris, though. He gets the nod on Dear Whoever's team simply for making Bow Wow rethink his then-aspirations to play basketball professionally. The below video is an ironic microcosm of how play can mirror work perfectly. RIP to Bow Wow... and his layup.

Dear Slim Thug

Houston, we have a problem... Relationship-wise, that is...

via VIBE Magazine

The way Black people think in general is messed up. Both men and women need to change their way of thinking. It’s hard to trust a Black woman [sometimes] because a lot of Black women’s mind frame is that the man gotta do everything for her⎯ he gotta pay for this, he gotta pay for that, and if it ain’t about money then a lot of them ain’t fucking with him. If that’s what you’re here for then I don’t want to be with you

Most single Black women feel like they don’t want to settle for less. Their standards are too high right now. They have to understand that successful Black men are kind of extinct. We’re important. It’s hard to find us so Black women have to bow down and let it be known that they gotta start working hard; they gotta start cooking and being down for they man more. They can’t just be running around with their head up in the air and passing all of us. I have a brother that dates a White woman and he always be fucking with me about it saying, “Y’all gotta go through all that shit [but] my White woman is fine. She don’t give me no problems, she do whatever I say and y’all gotta do all that arguing and fighting and worry about all this other shit.”My girl is Black and White. I guess the half White in her is where she still cooks and do all the shit that I say, so we make it. She just takes care of me and I like that. She don’t be begging and I don’t gotta buy her all this crazy ass shit. And she’s a smart girl too. She graduated from Columbia [University] and I like that about her so it’s cool. I’ve dated girls that will buy a $3,000 bag and don’t know how to pay it off on their credit cards. They walk around in these Louis Vuittons and red bottoms but they’re riding around in raggedy cars, so it’s just getting your priorities right.

White women treat they man like a king and Black women feel like they ain’t gotta do that shit. Black women need to stand by their man more. Don’t always put the pressure of if I’m fucking with you, you gotta buy me this and that. Black men are the ones that motherfuckers need [but] I think a lot of them need to step it up too. A Black man who gets a little bread will go make it rain in the club and be broke the next day or instead of him going to invest in a business he gonna go buy new jewelry or a new car and still live in the hood. Black peoples’ mentality is real fucked up in general [and] it’s affecting everything. Black women need to be more genuine and be more 50/50 [but] It should be a fair exchange in a relationship period or eventually somebody is gonna feel like they’re getting fucked over whether it’s the woman or the man. I think that will help Black relationships out a lot.

Let me say this first: I haven't listened to anything Slim Thug-related since his failed foray into the mainstream with Pharrell, 'I Ain't Heard of That'. Aside from that, and a heavy 2005 stint with Mike Jones and the rest of the Swishahouse gang, Slim Thugga is an afterthought in my hip-hop world. That said, Slim, I can't really be too mad at you for saying something even remotely outlandish to cast your name into the spotlight for even a vague hour on Twitter. But we're not here to talk about your fame, my G. We've got to discuss this nice little VIBE interview you had 2 days ago.

First of all, Slim, where do you get off as the voice of black men? Percentage wise, you represent such a small spectrum of black males, that it is impossible for you to have an adequate perspective on relationships. I mean, can you honestly say that you've had a "real" relationship (not to throw salt on your current one; I'm sure she's wonderful) since you've been a rapper? The rap game is notorious for introducing previously well-grounded young black men to harems of she-wolves, only for those same rappers to turn around and disrespect every woman they meet after that. So, is this interview you speaking as a regular, everyday, average black man with a mixed girlfriend, or you as a regular man turned rapper (with the body count to prove it) with a mixed girlfriend? My guess is, the latter. As a rapper you're in no position to comment on the romantic and social standing of the rest of us, especially when you make songs specifically made for strippers to 'drop it low,' 'pop their p*ssies,' and other vulgarities that won't make it onto this blog.

Second of all, why even bring up your 'brother' and his white woman? That's like saying a homophobic comment and then saying 'But I have gay friends!' as a qualifier. Your point there is completely moot, my dude. How do you know tha A) your brother isn't lying out of his diamond-encrusted teeth, B) your brother isn't the .000000001% of interracial relationships that has no problems, or C) his wife is just plain-old docile to begin with?

Note to EVERYONE: Just because you have a friend, cousin, uncle, auntie, sister, co-worker, landlord or any other acquaintance that X is true for, does not mean that X is true for every person. Quit generalizing and take every instance at face value.

Slim Thugga, it would seem as if your intellect were pretty darn slim in its own right if you believe that man's marriage has no problems. Every marriage has its high points and its low points. Doesn't mean one marriage (or race in marriage) is better than another. Don't downplay all sisters because your 'brother's' marriage is seemingly perfect.

Third of all, Slim, your half-white, half-black girlfriend, while she's probably a nice person, is not the end all be-all of relationships. Just because every woman that you've messed with before her was trifling and had a credit score lower than her self-esteem, doesn't mean your current shorty won't be just as trife. You seem to think that a college degree and mixed-heritage are the only signifiers of a good catch. Whatever happened to a good listener, a shoulder to lean on or someone good with kids? All of the traits you listed of black people at the end?? Yes, they are sad. But are you really going to let a part of Black society represent the whole in your mind? That seems very silly, Mr. Thomas. I think you need some work on your relationship and societal ideals, quickly.

Slim, it's because of people like you that black men and women are so fragmented. Instead of pointing out differences and pointing fingers at what the other sex should do, you should be figuring out ways to bring us together. Stop with the CNN/MSNBC/Dateline backlash and support black women as a whole, rather than villifying those that are somewhat trifling. Maybe then their ideal of a good man won't have to do with the size of his wallet, but the size of his heart. Maybe then, black men won't be as quick to hop in the sack with anything with a pulse and scar these women in the first place. Maybe then, you won't be having drawn out debates on Twitter about relationships that you have no clue about. I understand that this is spot reporting, and that much of what you said could be misconstrued. Yet, were the words VIBE put on their website that far from what you really mean? I doubt it. Not to belittle your intelligence, but you don't seem like the sharpest tack in the box. Maybe you should leave the relationship talk to Steve Harvey, and get back to niche performing in Houston. It'll at least be a safe zone, where you can clown on all the tricks you want without sounding like a jackass...

Dear Recently Incarcerated Rappers

Shyne - Messiah


T.I. - I'm Back

(cue The Price is Right music) TI and Shyne!! Come on down!!! You guys are the next rappers to come out of jail and release sub-par tracks!!! (end The Price is Right Music) No, seriously guys. Congratulations on both of your releases from prison for charges both deserved (TIP, you know you were wrong for that one) and undeserved (truth be told, Diddy ought to be locked up). I hope your rehabilitation is going well and that both of you are in good spirits. That said, good spirits, the love of family, friends and fans, and infinite press releases can never hide what an MP3 doesn't. By releasing 'Messiah' and 'I'm Back' both of you have placed yourselves back in the ever-widening pool of MCs that now populate hip-hop. Both of you have pretty well known names in the game, so both tracks got a listen. Unfortunately, neither track got the ultimate honor by being downloaded into my iTunes. It's not that I'm not a fan of either of you guys. It's just that the tracks... well... they sucked. Shyne, you aren't the Messiah of hip-hop, no matter how much you want to claim you get villified. And TIP, entitling a song 'I'm Back' and essentially talking about nothing in the track sets you up to not be back for long.

You see, the big pitfall of being a 'gangsta' (ugh, I hate that word) rapper, is that while you can perpetuate that lifestyle, the minute you're in the hands of Johnny Law, all that goes out the window. You can't claim to tote guns 2 weeks after getting out of the pen!! That's like putting your own fingerprints in booking! As a matter of fact, I'd be hard pressed to find any songs that you can write without putting your name out there in a negative light. Not that either of you wouldn't be able to; it's just harder to make a mark like that. It's even harder considering the way hip-hop is going: from Berettas to blogs, from Pyrex to press releases, from pushing white to page views on Wordpress. Hip-hop is getting less hood by the day, though most rappers would claim otherwise. Guys, don't take my word for it, though. Go out and do you. Enjoy the free man's life and become the studio rats that you once were. Hopefully both of you get back to form. As a matter of fact, I hope the same thing for your friend Weezy F. Baby. Lord knows he might have to change his tune after his time at Rikers...