Dear Fat Celebrities,

BEFORE:

AFTER:

What the fuck? Chris, have times been that rough? You look like someone stuffed you full of marshmallows and then got you high. I know I'm not in perfect shape, but you're really pushing it. Smokey definitely went to rehab for smoking, but I didn't know he needed fat camp, too. Whatever the case, Chris, the winter is almost over, and I damn sure don't see you as the hibernating type. Maybe you should hit up that Timbaland workout plan and get on the treadmill, or hit the stairclimber, or something. Oh wait, not even Timbaland is safe.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Looks like you were eating well after that multi-platinum album a two years ago, literally. Madonna looks like you prey, not your friend (then again, you seem like you're eyeing a much more fulfilling meal). But seriously, what is the problem? For people with copious amounts of expendable income, you guys should take care of yourselves. If Star Jones can lose two people and Michael Jackson can lose ALL of his melanin, you guys can drop some poundage. 

Joe Budden's Girlfriend's Ass

That's one of the most direct titles to a blog post EVER. Now I've never been one to objectify women, but this is unbelievable. For a man who's commercial success has faltered in the past few years, Joey did pretty well for himself.

His last words in this video are priceless. If and when God blesses me with a Queen as a companion, I'd love to be able to utter those words and have the desired effect.

RhymesandReasons

So yeah, since his last mixtape, Neo Now came out, I've been waiting desperately to blog about this man, so I've decided to dedicate a post a day to him. For over a year now, he's been putting out straight piff. And no music industry takeover is complete without a corporate sponsor. It just so happens that his corporate sponsor is Honda, and it also just so happens that its a dope ass commercial. Move over 50's Vitamin Water and Diddy's Ciroc (which is really, really good vodka, for those of us of age), because here come's Mickey's RhymesandReasons campaign for Honda. Dude drives an Accord. If that's not down to earth, then I'm a wack DJ who only plays crunk music.

The Mailing List: March 2009 (#5)

Hey kids, what's up? Did ya miss me? Yeah, well I have a new column for Dear Whoever. It's the Mailing List and it's the top 5 things you should be looking out for in that month. I'll post a new part of the list every day. But anyways, I hate describing my posts. I'd much rather write them. Enjoy, kids.

THE MAILING LIST: March 2009

5. The 2009 NCAA Tournament

Yes, kids, it's the most wonderful time of the year. The 2009 NCAA tournament is coming. It's going to be held in Detroit and I'm telling you guys RIGHT NOW so that there's no confusion. The University of Connecticut is WINNING it all, so you might as well put a picture of Coach Calhoun's face over Bill Self's. By the way, if anyone wants to get into bracket pool, get at me. I'd love to take your money.

Dear Dwyane Wade,

Take that stupid band-aid off. Just because you got a couple stitches, doesn't mean you can go Country Grammar on us. City Spud got out of jail last year. Maybe that gold-digging wife of yours gave YOU the STD. But what were you doing with her to get that shit under your eye? 

Reflection Eternal ft. Bootsy Collins - Internet Connection

Let's pose a question. How many of you guys were actually 'hip-hop' heads when the first Reflection Eternal album, Train of Thought, came out? Raise your hands for a yes. I'll give y'all a second. Okie doke. Now, how many of you actually liked Reflection Eternal when they came out? That's more like it. For those of you who don't know, Talib Kweli & DJ Hi-Tek are Reflection Eternal. They came with hits like 'The Blast', 'Good Mourning', 'Too Late' and 'Love Language' as a part of the hip-hop collective Rawkus Records. Do your research kids. But anyways, they're rumored to have been collaborating on a new Reflection Eternal album for years. Finally, here's one of the first leaks. They even featured Bootsy on the track. Have a listen to the hip-hop mastery kids:

Reflection Eternal - Internet Connection (ft. Bootsy Collins)

I wish suicide bombers would just kill themselves...

Now, I've always been one to defend artistic freedom, but this is ridiculous. If this is your interpretation of the BOMB, then you have mental problems my friend. It seems as if suicide bomber has taken a new meaning.

Go kill yourself.

Dear Supreme,

Supreme Spring 2009 Collection

So you guys finally admitted that you are NO LONGER A SKATE SHOP!!! It's long been time for you to hop off the skateboarding bandwagon like everyone else and are just trying to make money by producing 'limited' apparel and other stupid shit. I never knew so many mundane household and personal items could be so commodified and made into collectors items just by putting the word Supreme on them. I thought t-shirts, pants, dress shirts, hoodies, skateboards, hats, lighters, ashtrays and keychains were enough. But now you guys have scented candles, rain jackets, can openers, lanyards and pocket knives. You might as well just become a knick-knack store! (daydream clouds enter) A high-end knick-knack store, complete with a copyright symbol, 5th Avenue location, racist doorman, and vaccum-sealed atmosphere. I can see it all now (daydream clouds clear). Later for now, though. I have to go get my spot in the line outside your store so I can have that brand-new Supreme © weed-whacker I saw in the Summer 2011 catalog!!!

Dear Stephon Marbury,

You must be feeling pretty good now. Not only did you prove yourself to be a greater dickhead that we already knew you were, but you also cemented yourself as the most selfish player in NBA history. Starbury, you even put that crazy tattoo on your head to make you the second dumbest athlete behind Mike Tyson. I don't even mean to gas you up, but you're the only player I know to drive two franchises (Nets and Knicks) into the ground before leaving them. Seriously though, Steph, I don't know what's worse, your $14.99 sneakers or the clothes that went along with them. I guess Steve & Barry's had a little extra incentive with MSG conveniently right down the block. But you know what Steph, I'm not one to harp on the bad times. Let's take a look at some of the times that made you everyone actually think you actually had some talent in you:

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Ok, I'll admit it, I'm a nerd. And a juvenile nerd at that. But no one can blame me for this. As a 7-year-old boy, one of my favorite shows was the Transformers. When they came out with the first movie, I was a bit skeptical (see: 'GhostRider' & "Batman & Robin'), but after the 143-minute, CGI-laced, comatose-inducing thrill-ride that 2007's Transformers provided, I'm excited for the sequel. Anywho, here's the trailer for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Enjoy, kids.

Dear Drake,

RUN!!! Get the hell out of that backstage room. Before your eyes are the group of fools called the crew. Nowhere near being famous, these people are subjugated to a minor role behind a bigger, more famous rapper (i.e. Weezy F). Some stay for the promise of somehow making it big in their own right (Lloyd Banks). Others stay simply for financial reasons, putting out subpar albums (Killa Cam) and creating marketing ploys to stay in the limelight (50 aka Ferarri). Some even stay because their affiliation to said rapper is so financially motivated that they could be one hit away their whole career, but as long as their alive they're a millionaire (Memph Bleek of course). Whatever the case, Drizzy, get away from the YM crew now. You don't wanna be a lackey for the rest of your career, especially if you have to deal with those negroes every day.

Dear NBA Scheduling Committee

This is the last time I can do this. Around this time of year, after All-Star Weekend and about three weeks before the NCAA Tournament begins, my basketball watching becomes religious. When I say religious, I mean there is constant watching, talking about and overall thought on basketball. With that being said, I have one question: Who picks the games? Every week I'm subjected to at least four games with either the Spurs, Cavs, Celtics, or Lakers, with many times being a combination of one of them. It's like the NBA can't dismount them (or the stars on those teams, for that matter) For once, I wish the NBA would televise national games with ANYONE but those four teams. But you know what, there are ways to get around it. I'm sure as hell gonna watch the Clippers - Blazers game at 6 PM on http://atdhe.net. Check the site out and give the NBA the finger by watching other teams for FREE, people. Gotta go play ball my damn self. BROOKLYN... ZOO!!!

WATCH ANY NBA GAME FOR FREE!!!

Fuck My Life

No, I'm not about to commit suicide. It's my first Junk Mail post. I wondered what I would make this section of Dear Whoever, and I decided this would be new websites and completely unrelated shit that didn't fit into the other labels. Yeah, it's basically a miscellaneous section, but I feel like you don't get enough junk mail. Coupon Clippers all day!!!

But anyway, here it is. I got introduced to this website by my homegirl Amanda and it's the realest shit out here. Fuckmylife.com is a user-submission site where heads just write about moments where they have to say 'fuck my life'. There's nothing better than laughing at other people's misfortune; maybe your own, actually. I wouldn't even ruin the fun by telling you about the best stories. Enjoy, people.

http://www.fmylife.com/

Porsche Panamera

It's a rarity that I would do a Catalog post about anything other than clothes. However, this is too good. Porsche has finally decided to join the rest of the car world and produce a sedan, and a sports sedan at that. The Porsche Panamera oozes sex, which, of course, is why I picked it for today's Catalog. It has the traditional Porsche back with a swept forward chassis. a turbocharged 4.8L engine pushing 500hp and one of the plushest interiors I've seen in a minute. I guess I gotta start saving soon.

Pensacola, Florida

Greetings from Pensacola, Florida, where apparently one burglary suspect didn't get the memo that sagging, baggy, oversized jeans are OUT. This fool was caught with his pants down, literally. Robert Pittman, 37, broke through a convenience store window to steal a couple dozen packs of cigarettes. Unfortunately, he had so many cigarettes that he couldn't hold up his pants, and tripped over them before he could make it out of the store parking lot.

Gotta bop like this,

can't wear baggy jeans,

cuz my waist too slim...

Seriously though, kids. Either pull your pants up or wear a fucking belt. Nobody wants to see or smell your asscrack, unless of course you're gonna be in jail like our friend from Pensacola.

http://www.clickorlando.com/news/18738554/detail.html

Play Cloths Spring 2009

Now, I've never been one to hop on the whole 'rapper creating a clothing line' bandwagon, because most of the time it's either poorly done, or entirely too expensive. However, one of my favorite groups, The Clipse, is putting out the second season of their line Play Cloths. A lot of people say that it's a BBC knockoff, when in all actuality, they need to just dismount Pharrell and realize that he didn't start BBC of his own laurels. Nigo just spoonfed him enough shit for him to regurgitate onto his own t-shirts. PC isn't as fruity as BBC or as repetitive as Bape. Plus the logo is extremely dope. But that's neither here nor there. Here are a few of my choice pieces of the Spring 2009 Play Cloths lookbook.

Illecism

What's up people, I know you've been waiting for some more ish from my side so here it is. I got put on to this guy yesterday during an all-nighter at the library. He's one of the dopest cats I've heard in a minute. His name is Illecism and he's fresh out of the Bay Area (yeah, I know, hyphy is out). Give dude a listen. I guarantee your ears are going to be blown the fuck off.

Who Sleeps Anymore? - The Insomniaks

Child's Play - Illecism & Trade Voorhees

Have a Refreshment Vol. 1 - Illecism

Dear Ron Browz,

Ron Browz (ft. Busta Rhymes) - I Promise

Negro, you need some new ideas. How many times can you make the same damn song, thinking you're going to make bank off of it? I've got a newsflash: YOU ARE LATE ON THE AUTO-TUNE BANDWAGON!!! Not to mention, you do it so badly. I've never heard a chord of music that sounds like a group of cats dying from inhaling helium. Maybe you should learn how to use the machine before you release that regurgitated crap you call music.

Hartford, Connetcticut

Greetings from Hartford, Connecticut people, where apparently police shot and apprehended a chimpanzee after it attacked a woman. The chimp, Travis, was kept as a pet by a 15-year-old boy and mauled a woman visiting the boy, before turning on the boy and two police officers coming to ease the situation. You know times are getting crazy when people start raising chimps like they're kids. Travis could use the toilet, dress himself, take showers, eat at the table, brush his teeth, watch TV with a remote and check e-mail. That's impressive considering the chimp has Lyme Disease. Apparently, this isn't the first time our primal pal has been caught up with the jakes. Dude escaped from his owners in 2003 and had to be lured back with cookies and ice cream. He sounds like a fat-ass kid more than a chimp. I hope PETA doesn't start a fund for chimps in legal trouble.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/16/chimp.attack/

This bears an eerie semblance to Rodney King.

AKZionz - AKZionz ReAKZion

Hey people, this is a drop that's near and dear to my heart. My boy AKZionz out of the DMV (D.C., Marylyand, Virginia area, for our geographically challenged friends) FINALLY dropped his new mixtape AKZionz ReAKZion. Here's the link and my picks:

http://www.divshare.com/download/6426588-fca

Cream of the Crop:

Fanfare for AKZionz

Making Noise (ft. G5)

Cream of the Crap:

none this time, this is a personal friend