Greetings From: Detroit, MI

Robocop's coming back to Detroit. Check the story here

via CNN Money:

In an effort to close a yawning budget deficit, Michigan has approved a proposal to drastically shrink Detroit's troubled school system over the next few years.

The plan calls for the closure of 70 schools, which would cut the number of schools in the district in half by 2014, leaving only 72 public schools in Detroit. The closures would be on top of the 59 that were shuttered last year. As a result, high school class sizes would jump to 60 students each over the next few years.

The goal is to eliminate the school system's current $327 million budget deficit, according to the plan's author, Robert Bobb, who was named emergency financial manager of the 87,000-student Detroit Public Schools in 2009.

Hey friends!!! It's another edition of 'Greetings From'. This time we're hailing from Detroit, Michigan where it's apparent that people are wayyyyyyyyy too obsessed with the city's regal past than what's shaping up to be an extremely bleak future. In the wake of a massive budget deficit with the auto industry still struggling to get back on its feet after numerous government bailouts, Detroit is set to close half of its public high schools. That is in stark contrast to a $50,000 bid to erect a statue of none other than Robocop in downtown Detroit. Now, I love Robocop just as much as the next sci-fi fan, but where does this fit into the budget that funding for schools doesn't?

My beef with the typical American city's mindset, is that rather than use funds to educate young people so we can have a future generation of thinkers, governments are quick to halt spending. Governments would rather cut spending under the guise of 'saving' and turn a blind eye to frivolities than use money on things that improve cities like infrastructure, education and innovation. The sad part is, that Detroit is an exact microcosm of the economic reality of the United States as a whole. If one wants to figure out the US's budget problem, they need look no further than Detroit and how it staked its financial well-being on outmoded technologies, irresponsible borrowing and sports teams. You couldn't pay me to live in Detroit, and now that Robocop is going to be one of their main attractions, I'm sensing a future even more depressing than the one in the movie. No worries, though. [sarcasm]I'm sure those Eminem commercials will boost the economy...[/sarcasm]

Greetings From: London, UK

Maybe a river of chocolate is possible...

via The New York Times:

To some, he is a real-life Willy Wonka. To others, he is a Bond-style villain bent on taking over the world’s supply of chocolate. In a stroke, a hedge fund manager here named Anthony Ward has all but cornered the market in cocoa. By one estimate, he has bought enough to make more than five billion chocolate bars. Chocolate lovers here are crying into their Cadbury wrappers — and rival traders are crying foul, saying Mr. Ward is stockpiling cocoa in a bid to drive up already high prices so he can sell later at a big profit. His activities have helped drive cocoa prices on the London market to a 30-year high.

Mr. Ward, 50, is not some rabid chocoholic, former employees say. He simply has a head for cocoa. And, through his private investment firm, Armajaro, he now controls a cache equal to 7 percent of annual cocoa production worldwide, a big enough chunk to sway prices.

“Globally, he is unmatched in his knowledge of cocoa,” said Tim Spencer, a former Armajaro executive.

Armajaro maintains offices in West Africa, helping Mr. Ward keep tabs on major cocoa crops. “We even have our own weather stations — our very own that no one else has in some parts of the world,” Mr. Ward, soft-spoken and tan, said in a video interview this year with a financial news service. Now, traders here are buzzing that Mr. Ward has placed an audacious $1 billion bet in the London market for cocoa futures. This month, he bought 241,100 metric tons of beans, they say. His play has some people up in arms. While some see it as a simple bet that cocoa prices will rise on falling supply, others say Mr. Ward has created a shortage of cocoa simply to drive up the price himself.

Greetings from London, England, where a local entrepreneur has apparently rediscovered his love for the children's story, 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. Anthony Ward has bought over $1 billion worth of cocoa beans from Africa, virtually turning the chocolate industry into his industry. On the London market, his purchase has raised the price of chocolates to a 30-year high. My question is, how much chocolate is he going to buy before he realizes one of two things?:

A) People like chocolate, but not enough to pay ridiculous prices for it. As people's wallets shrink, so do their appetites for luxury products and non-essential food items like (you guessed it) chocolate. He's probably not going to be able to sell it for another 10 years.

or

B) Candy producers have entire regions dedicated to cocoa production. In fact, England doesn't have so much as a foothold in the chocolate industry, as say Italy or France. His acquisition is meaningless unless he has a producer handcuffed already. Looks like he's just going to be sitting on chocolate...

Is this what the recession has brought people to? Making binge investments and trying to buy up the market in the hopes that one day they can sell it off? Obviously, we've yet to see what the investments will hold for the future, but there have got to be more lucrative industries out there. I suppose that's what happens when your country's infrastructure is failing and your government is fighting itself: you buy chocolate and hope for the best. On that note, I'm going to get back to my Everlasting Gobstopper. Word to Gene Wilder...

Greetings From: Philadelphia, PA

via NBC Philadelphia:

Clemmens, 21, positioned himself behind the 11-year-old's chair, stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on the girl and her father, police said.
"He leaned forward, he projectile vomited all over me and my daughter," Vangelo said with a look of hurt splashed across his face.
Clemmens then began wailing on Vangelo after he pushed him away from the girl -- hitting the off-duty officer in the head and neck, causing his ear to bleed, police said.
Surrounding fans jumped in to help subdue Clemmens before he was arrested.
"He was still vomiting on the other fans that were holding him down," Vangelo said.

I realize that Philadelphia's been getting a bad wrap in the past few weeks with a bit of negative press on the blog, but with shit like this happening, how can you blame me? Greetings from Philly... again. This time, we see that fanhood and regurgitation are much closer than we think. Is that really what heads do at baseball games? You know, instead of have a hot dog and a beer and have a relaxing afternoon at the ballpark, it's much more fun to vomit all over a little girl and snuff her father... I'd much rather get into a brawl with angry Phillies fans than leave the game and go watch the Office or something. What's even worse is the fact that the dude kept throwing up even while he was getting beat up by the fans around him. Oh well... I guess leaving with a black eye and looking like that are punishment enough...

Greetings From: Edgewater, N.J.

Who knew black people weren't allowed in here??

via the Associated Press:

Police in northern New Jersey say a 14-year-old girl grabbed a supermarket microphone and announced, "All blacks leave the store."
The case is nearly identical to what happened on two occasions at a southern New Jersey Walmart.
Edgewater police say the new case is being investigated as a possible "copycat" situation. They say they were called after the girl made the announcement over the Whole Foods Market's public-address system Saturday afternoon.

Greetings from some random town in New Jersey, where Whole Foods is quickly becoming the place where people let their racial tension out. Though I really thought that store carried a different crowd, it's obvious that Edgewater has crossed the cultural Mason-Dixon line. After one 16 year old boy did the same, another 14 year old girl decided to politely ask the African-Americans in the store to leave. Is that really how we feel nowadays? If it was up to me, I'd make that little girl stand in front of the store and get stared at menacingly by every black person in the store. For most sheltered, ignorant, racist people, that's punishment enough, though her parents probably had a little more to say...

Greetings From: Paris, France

Greetings from Paris, France, people, where IKEA decided to make rush hour a little bit more comfortable. As a part of a new marketing campaign, the Swedish home furnishings brand placed couches, chairs and other housewares against a homey backdrop in a Parisian subway station. Not that I'm against doing some good for the commuter population, but something like this would NEVER work in America, much less in NYC or Philly. Before most people could even see the couches, those things would either be covered in urine, graffiti or some other nastiness. If not that, then they would have been stolen or apprehended by some homeless person. Kudos to the French for being good citizens, but I definitely wish the same thing could go down across the pond...

Greetings From: Inuvik, Alaska

What's up letter readers?? Been light on the posts the past few days, so let's start off the day right!

Greetings from Inuvik, Alaska, where the sun doesn't shine for almost a month during the long and freezing-cold winter. That's when Tropicana (egregious product placement) came to the rescue. The orange juice maker erected a 36-foot wide helium balloon with lights on the outside of it. Canadian filmmakers captured the balloon going up at 9AM in the morning and then catches the people of Inuvik taking a nice, conspicuously placed swig of Tropicana orange juice. The balloon acted as an artificial sun for Inuvik until the real son came back a few days later. Check out what a little sunlight can do for the darkness...

Greetings From: Manhattan, NYC

via The New York Times:

Eventually, the Rolling Stone cover line “Lil Wayne Goes to Jail” will be correct, but not today. On Tuesday a court spokesman in Manhattan told The Associated Press that sentencing for the rapper Lil Wayne had been postponed because of a basement fire at a courthouse.

Lil Wayne, whose real name is Dwayne Carter, was to be sentenced in State Supreme Court on charges stemming from a July 2007 incident in which a loaded .40-caliber semiautomatic gun was found on his tour bus. (He pleaded guilty to attempted criminal possession of a weapon in October.) The hip-hop star was originally scheduled to be sentenced in February, but received a postponement so he could undergo a dental procedure. A new sentencing date was not immediately given.

Greetings from Manhattan, New York City, where Lil' Wayne is living up to his namesake as the 'Fireman'. Today, Weezy F. Baby aka Dwayne Carter was supposed to be sentenced for felony gun possession. However, around 10:45 or so, the courthouse was set on fire. Now, I know this is somewhat fishy, but I'm gonna give Wayne the benefit of the doubt. That's not to say that he had nothing to do with the incident, but stranger things have happened (OJ Simpson should know). At this point, it goes without saying that maybe Wayne will never go to jail. First it was dental surgery, then it was the snowy weather in NYC, and now it's a fire. I shudder to think about what the next delay will be caused by. Then again, I definitely want to see how long this man can go without going to jail. After a while, wouldn't you want to just get it over with, though???

Greetings From: New Richmond, Ohio

Greetings from New Richmond, Ohio, where people have gotten so fed up with the banks trying to play bully with their property, that they'd rather destroy it. Terry Hoskins was weeks away from having his home foreclosed by River Hills Bank, after defaulting on a debt of $160,000 on the mortgage. Instead of letting that happen to his $350,000 home, he took matters into his own hands and bulldozed his own house, leveling the property in just under 2 hours. There's no word yet as to what the legal ramifications will be for Mr. Hoskins. However, I don't think he'll be doing too many deals with the bank anytime soon. Hopefully he doesn't still have to pay that debt, or the guy will be homeless and broke...

Greetings From: Harlem, USA

Greetings from Harlem, USA, where 15 years ago, hip-hop had made its way back uptown. In 1995, Big L released the album 'Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous', a gritty portrayal of life in Harlem at the time, and the most ridiculous barrage of metaphors this side of the Hudson. L came out to huge acclaim from the underground community and with good reason. His brand of rap had never been heard before. Sadly, Lamont Coleman was gunned down right on his block of 139th, at the peak of his career. His raps stand the test of time though. The track 'I Don't Understand It' talks about the watering-down of mainstream hip-hop and rappers putting on characters to sell records. That sounds eerily familiar to today. If a song made 15 years ago still applies today, shouldn't that artist be more highly acclaimed? #imjustsayin

RIP Big L
1974-1999

Greetings From: College Station, TX

via: khou.com

A fake $5 bill in which both sides apparently were copied and glued together led to the arrest of a teenager in College Station.

Police say the 17-year-old faces a misdemeanor forgery charge. He was arrested Saturday after allegedly trying to pass the crudely made currency at a drive-in restaurant.

College Station police say it appears the fake $5 was made with help from a computer scanner, then the bogus bill was trimmed and glued together. The front of the bill was longer than the back.

I'm bringing back the 'Greetings From' posts from last year. I think some of the funnier news out there needs to get the spotlight sometimes, so here goes...

Greetings from College Station, TX, where youth have gotten so desperate for cash, that they've resorted to 'making' their own money. Most people call it counterfeiting. A 17-year-old probably thought he was coming up with something new when he glued together two scanned pictures of a $5 bill, and tried to use it at a drive-thru. No offense to the boy, but wouldn't the people at the drive-thru have a fair idea of what a real bill looks like, considering they handle money all day? I guess that's a question every aspiring counterfeiter needs to ask himself before trying to pass a phony (with one side longer than the other) off. At least the kid was smart enough to use a color printer...

Philadelphia, PA

Greetings from Philly people; the place where Junior is residing at the moment. This isn't a pleasant Greetings From though. In Northeast Philadelphia, a group of about 60 minority campers was sent packing from a private pool club that cited the children would "change the complexion … and the atmosphere of the club." Apparently when the children got to the pool, the predominantly white patrons took their children out of the pool, clearly perturbed. The pool club's ownership promptly requested that the campers leave, and offered them a refund, leaving them with no place to beat the heat. My question is, how is a place like this still standing?? Didn't we leave shit like this alone in the 60s, 70s and 80s? Or better yet, shouldn't the presence of a black president make such thinking either obsolete or just plain old ignorant? It's a damn shame that this could even happen. I hope these kids get the justice they deserve...

Cleveland, Ohio

Haven't made "Greetings From" post in forever, so this was more than welcome. Greetings from Cleveland, Ohio, the second most depressing town after Detroit!!! If the Cavaliers lose, I'm urging the CDC or FBI or whoever to put the entire city of Cleveland out for a mass suicide watch. If the Cavs lost last night, I'm sure someone would have nuked the city. This video is priceless though. Makes me proud to be a New Yorker, aka a resident of the place LeBron is going to in a year. Cleveland, I hope you guys are stocking up on your Xanax, Zoloft and Prozac because 2010 is looking like it's gonna be a pretty grim year...

Fairfax, Virginia

via CNN:

NEW YORK (CNN) -- The acting chief financial officer of mortgage financier Freddie Mac, David Kellermann, was found dead Wednesday morning, police said.

Eileen Fitzpatrick, a spokeswoman for Freddie Mac, confirmed the death.

Police are investigating the death as an apparent suicide, WTOP-FM reported, quoting Mary Anne Jennings, a spokeswoman for police in Fairfax County, Virginia.

Greetings from Fairfax County, Virginia, where the first death directly correlated to the recession has transpired. David Kellerman, the CFO of Freddie Mac was found dead in his home, having apparently taken his own life. While the whole 'recession' joke is quite funny (considering I myself am poor), it's sad to see the first casualty. Were times at Freddie Mac that bad? I certainly didn't see any of the other Wall Street or car manufacturing big wigs offing themselves. Then again, I guess Freddie Mac was so deep in the hole, dude really didn't see any worth in staying alive. That's a lesson to you heads out here who are married to their work: divorce that bitch and get a fucking woman!!! No seriously. Never attach yourself so closely to your work that you lose sight of anything exterior to it. Deuces readers.

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Greetings from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where the only thing rapid is heartbeats after taking a few bites of the biggest fucking burger ever. At a minor-league ballpark, they sell this artery-clogging concoction (I doubt the majors would allow so much cholestorol within a mile of their players). I thought the Luther burger (Boondocks fans, stand up) was pushing it, but this is unbelievable. It looks like a miniburger that God would eat. I wonder if they make ketchup and mustard packets big enough for it. Whatever the case, this is what is wrong with America. Not only is this LITERAL fatburger dripping with 4800 calories, the shit costs $20! You would think the recession would have people cutting back. It seems like the only cutting that's gonna happen with this treat is a scalpel through your chest when you have to have emergency bypass surgery. Seriously though, tell me that the guy in the picture didn't have a stroke minutes after touching this piece of death. Hey, at least he got the free t-shirt for finishing it. They can probably put it on his tombstone.

(via USA Today)

Pensacola, Florida

Greetings from Pensacola, Florida, where apparently one burglary suspect didn't get the memo that sagging, baggy, oversized jeans are OUT. This fool was caught with his pants down, literally. Robert Pittman, 37, broke through a convenience store window to steal a couple dozen packs of cigarettes. Unfortunately, he had so many cigarettes that he couldn't hold up his pants, and tripped over them before he could make it out of the store parking lot.

Gotta bop like this,

can't wear baggy jeans,

cuz my waist too slim...

Seriously though, kids. Either pull your pants up or wear a fucking belt. Nobody wants to see or smell your asscrack, unless of course you're gonna be in jail like our friend from Pensacola.

http://www.clickorlando.com/news/18738554/detail.html

Hartford, Connetcticut

Greetings from Hartford, Connecticut people, where apparently police shot and apprehended a chimpanzee after it attacked a woman. The chimp, Travis, was kept as a pet by a 15-year-old boy and mauled a woman visiting the boy, before turning on the boy and two police officers coming to ease the situation. You know times are getting crazy when people start raising chimps like they're kids. Travis could use the toilet, dress himself, take showers, eat at the table, brush his teeth, watch TV with a remote and check e-mail. That's impressive considering the chimp has Lyme Disease. Apparently, this isn't the first time our primal pal has been caught up with the jakes. Dude escaped from his owners in 2003 and had to be lured back with cookies and ice cream. He sounds like a fat-ass kid more than a chimp. I hope PETA doesn't start a fund for chimps in legal trouble.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/16/chimp.attack/

This bears an eerie semblance to Rodney King.